I Am a Chef

I have been a little lost recently, getting in my own head about things, I’ve found it hard to open up about this to my co-workers and even my girlfriend so I feel that here is the perfect place to open up about it. I’m not happy, I am not happy with my work recently I feel like I’ve been slacking I feel I need to push my self to the limit to my breaking point, I need to push my boundaries and throw my self back into a fine dining atmosphere. About a year ago I worked in a restaurant pushing for the highest accolade in the industry a Michelin Star, we didn’t earn it on the night we weren’t good enough and I blame my self personally for that (even though it wasn’t my section that messed up) to this day I blame my self for that, if I stayed there kept pushing could I have been better? Or would I push my back into making my self physically sick, get back on the drugs, purposely burning and cutting my self just to wake up and know I’m still feeling something...
I needed it off my chest, I just want to make others proud of me and then hopefully I’ll be proud of my self.