I Am Grieving
Little Threads
With such painstaking strands I am trying to weave myself into a new life. I am not there yet....but the idea of going on from the worst loss seems a probability. I am beginning to see what I could do, and deciding if what I was already doing is something that comes with me in the new life. I see now these threads are in us all. They are in a sense our subconscious, continually growing and threading and when a knot appears they either built up around it or they go off in other (usually better) directions. I hear often of stories where people so close to death feel the most alive. This isn't the same, but at the same time this loss has illuminated areas of my life where I wasn't doing right. I haven't been living as fully as I could be...or SHOULD be. My son suffered from illness all his life, and yet he had the amazing ability to smile and laugh and enjoy life and people. I probably will never know just how bad he felt at times because he was good at hiding it. The loss of him can drown me or teach me as I form this new life. I am keenly aware of this loss...music and old jokes and his clothes hanging in the closet that he will never wear again brings fresh tears...but I still have to go on.
What are your threads? Are they smooth, knotted, or off in a thousand directions? Snip off the frayed parts and follow the good ones as much as you can. This is what I'm having to learn...and sometimes we can't have what we want...so we do what is necessary.
With such painstaking strands I am trying to weave myself into a new life. I am not there yet....but the idea of going on from the worst loss seems a probability. I am beginning to see what I could do, and deciding if what I was already doing is something that comes with me in the new life. I see now these threads are in us all. They are in a sense our subconscious, continually growing and threading and when a knot appears they either built up around it or they go off in other (usually better) directions. I hear often of stories where people so close to death feel the most alive. This isn't the same, but at the same time this loss has illuminated areas of my life where I wasn't doing right. I haven't been living as fully as I could be...or SHOULD be. My son suffered from illness all his life, and yet he had the amazing ability to smile and laugh and enjoy life and people. I probably will never know just how bad he felt at times because he was good at hiding it. The loss of him can drown me or teach me as I form this new life. I am keenly aware of this loss...music and old jokes and his clothes hanging in the closet that he will never wear again brings fresh tears...but I still have to go on.
What are your threads? Are they smooth, knotted, or off in a thousand directions? Snip off the frayed parts and follow the good ones as much as you can. This is what I'm having to learn...and sometimes we can't have what we want...so we do what is necessary.
51-55, F
