I Am Grieving

I am going to channel some of my grief by writing it out. I am not looking for sympathy, just need to get this out before I can write what happened to my brother.

We all grieve differently. When I lost my daughter, I wanted to die. I cycled through the 5 stages of grief like flipping a page in a book. It was so bad, I went through 9 months of grief therapy. I couldn't get out of bed most days. I operated in a fog for the most part. How I managed to climb out of bed and out of grief was by bargaining with myself.

I told myself, if you do this task, that will earn you an hour back in bed. That is how my mind operates. It helped me use logic over grief. I didn't stop hurting but it helped me to function.

There is nothing worse than grief with guilt. I can honestly say that I had no guilt over losing my daughter. I did everything I could to make her life happy and easy.

However, I have some guilt over losing my brother. He called me every single day. Many times a day. I tried to not lose my patience, but I was always busy. When he became ill, I took the time to speak to him in lengths every single day. His joy was the family tree so I told him stories about what I had learned.

We talked in detail about his cancer and what his wishes were. He called me with news, but he had no clear understanding how bad it was. In the end, I honored his wishes. I wrote his obituary and made all the arrangements before I left. He was given a beautiful service with honor and dignity.

The guilt comes because I had a trip planned. My friend said "What are the chances he will pass during that time?". Well, he did. I had to say my goodbyes as I entered the ship. He was in hospice so they held the phone to his ear so I could tell him how much I loved him. I wish now I had made a different choice. I just wish I had been there even if I could not do anything. He was not alone; but he passed between visits with family.

We are all just devastated by his passing.

Heartlander · 80-89, M

May I extend my deepest sympathy for your loss. I shared some of those same feelings when my loved ones died. On reflection, later, I question whether they wanted me not to be there so they could die alone.

When my dad died I was there until just an hour or so before and I felt like he wanted me to go away. He had lingered, fretting, breathing heavily, completely withdrawn into himself for a few days. At some point he squeezed my hand, kissed it hard, then pushed it away. I turned down the lights went for coffee and quiet time alone to myself to reflect on the imminent transition, thinking he would last for another day or two. He died while I was gone.

On thinking ahead to my own final hours or days, I think it's a transition I would also want to do alone. Hovering people, even people I love dearly, would be a distraction. In the many transition that we experience throughout our lives there's a point where we surrender the past so we can clutch the future. Death is a profound transition where we will have to let go of the old.