Husband took maternity leave money

So i saved and saved for maternity leave starting 6 months before i took off.. that money was supposed to cover things like mortgage, food, diapers, formula etc, daycare. there was hardly anything extra.. i asked my husband before hand if he would save as well.. we’ll he didn’t .. so went on leave.. halfway through it he comes to me saying he mismanaged his money and needed to borrow 3000 dollars.. turns out he was behind on student loans and a car payment .. he seemed desperate so i agreed.. we’ll i also let him know this was a lot of my money ..now this has put me in a situation where i need to go back early from maternity leave by a month (so 12 weeks off has turned into 8) because i simply won’t be able to safely cover all bills unless he pays me back .. we’ll i asked him to come up with a plan to put that money back (hopefully before i have to go back) and he’s acting like I’m a horrible person for asking.. he shut down the 2 times I’ve brought it up.. I’m seriously just trying to figure out if i truly will have to cut my leave short.. if he can come up with a payment plan i won’t have to go back early .. am i right to be asking for this back and to be upset?

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Miram · 31-35, F

Maybe you are not asking him the right way?
Maybe he doesn't like being reminded that he couldn't pay bills alone ? Men are more sensitive when it comes to how much they make bécause they are treated according to it.

I understand the frustration that comes with feeling it has been wasted. But if he really used it for necessities I think it's important to empathise and focus on his virtues. At the same time you should express feeling a sense of unfairness since he didn't work with you.

Both can always make more when healthy.

Serenitree · F

@Miram not asking the right way? Apparently she answered the right way when he said he'd mismanaged the bill money and want to dip into her savings. She shouldn't even have to ask. This is his wife, his child, that he just left in the lurch.

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

Amen thank you@Serenitree

Miram · 31-35, F

@Serenitree

Healthy communication is important. Things can be dealt with emotionally by both parties or one has to step back and consider how to improve communication. Right now her problem is that he shuts down, which means neither of us know his plans.

Serenitree · F

@Brassm0nk3y

Serenitree · F

@Miram I understand where you are coming from, but I'm sure she didn't marry a child. This is a man, who made a baby with a woman. Whatever he did with, first his money, and then hers, he has caused a problem. Yes, she does need to find a different way to talk to him. Apparently she needs to treat him like the child he's behaving like.

Miram · 31-35, F

Of course he caused the problem. He didn't cooperate at the beginning.

From my understanding in most relationships involving children there is an agreement that doesn't need to be worded when it comes to providing for the kids. If you agree to bring them to life, you have an obligation to raise and keep them safe.

That's not something to disagree with.

It's just that I find it more practical to focus on how she can change things [i]now[/i]. Pointing fingers won't help that very much. Does this mean she is treating him like a child? Not to me. She is just being more mature in her approach.

Relationships are space of growth for everyone even the parents, that's of course when non toxic.

She is the one here asking for feedback, not him. It's only reasonable for my response to be centered around her.

Serenitree · F

@Miram Yes. I do understand what you are saying. I'm saying that I think this is bigger than poor communication.

Miram · 31-35, F

@Serenitree

No where did I imply the problem is [b]just[/b] poor communication, to be perfectly clear.

Serenitree · F

@Miram You know what. I don't really care enough to discuss what you did or didn't imply.

Miram · 31-35, F

@Serenitree

It doesn't seem that way. That's very much what we have been talking about.

Serenitree · F

@Miram Do I need to copy and paste your own responses? Im not doing. Just go back and read them.

Miram · 31-35, F

@Serenitree

See? You do care. 🙄

I know what I have said and I remember it very much.

Serenitree · F

@Miram You're mistaking thinking you're an ass caring. I care about BrassMonkey. Goodnight now.

Miram · 31-35, F

@Serenitree

Genuine care isn't taking sides, standing as an adversary, assigning roles simply based on assumptions. You didn't put her first.

The only care I see here is towards your own thoughts about whatever I said.

Which is not necessarily wrong to do but there are better ways to express yourself and people won't always be tolerant of it.

Goodnight!