So... here it is.
I finally know what it means to be heartbroken. 😞
I fell in love with a woman that I've never met. Nay, a woman I've never even spoken to! *sigh* Sounds mad, I know...
We met online about four years ago through a website similar to this. Over that time we wrote to each other (via email), every few weeks or months, much like two people from across the world may have written letters to each other in a time before the internet. It was a lot of fun to sit down for hours and write something which might make a person laugh. That would make them think - challenge them. To talk about your life and your hopes and fears, the big things and the mundane. We might talk about the mysteries of physics, black holes, neutron stars... or how Susan from work still has that annoying habit of standing slightly too close when talking to you in the kitchen. It might sound corny, but it was liberating to have the physical distractions that come from getting to know a person completely removed - I mean, to be able to really get to know a person without being confused as to whether it's all just lust.
As we gradually revealed pieces of ourselves (figuratively you perverts! 😌), I think we both realized evermore, just how much we had in common. Our worldviews were aligned. Our passions, desires and dreams were so similar. She saw the universe through a lens which made everything somehow both cold and warm, and above all, beautiful in the most frost-laden, timeless way. To put it as succinctly as I can; we have the same eyes. And I have never found anybody else like that. Let alone in such a kind, intelligent, and stunning woman as she is.
But. I'm a bad boy*. During the time I was falling in love with her (let's call her A), I was already in a relationship. But A knew that... because I didn't hide it. My then girlfriend (let's call her M) even knew that I was talking to this person online. The fact is, I tried to remain honest with both M and A - whilst knowing I'd most likely hurt both of them by being honest. Does that make me worse as a person? I don't know. Maybe hiding it would have been less cruel. I tried to do the the 'right thing', whatever that was. Alas, there didn't seem to be a right thing from my perspective.
Regardless, we carried on writing to each other, although less and less frequently. I was struggling with the guilt, and unsure of what I should do. I knew I either had to end my current relationship or forget A and tell her that we couldn't be together. But I remained a coward. I didn't make, what seemed to me an impossible decision to 'choose' between two women I loved.
And now, she's moved on. I think I broke her heart, as much as I broke my own. She won't speak to me. I still love her, and it's only now that she's found someone else that I feel a deep pain, as the reality sets that there will never be an us. That choice has been made for me, and I've missed my chance to show her, rather than only tell her how I feel. Since she stopped talking to me, I feel like someone's been tearing out my insides.
The thing is, it is all my fault. I'm not mad at anyone, not even myself. I'm just sad. Really, really sad. I just hope, sincerely, that her new boyfriend treats her in the way that I wanted to. If he doesn't see her as anything short of magnificent then she deserves better. A hypocrite though I may be, it's true. I hope he realizes how lucky he is, and if he has any sense, 'puts a ring on it' #shoutouttobeyonce asap. 💍 And although it hurts like all hell and I know I'm going to be crying myself to sleep for a while, if she's happy then that's okay. That's all I want.
I'll certainly take this one of life's lessons, and unfortunately it has taught me well.
*meant ironically. I'm actually a cheating piece of shit. I make no excuses. My behaviour has been terrible for a long time. But I know that, and I'm working on being a better person. So, if you feel the need to call me out or shoot me down, don't bother; I'm more than capable of doing that myself. 😔
I fell in love with a woman that I've never met. Nay, a woman I've never even spoken to! *sigh* Sounds mad, I know...
We met online about four years ago through a website similar to this. Over that time we wrote to each other (via email), every few weeks or months, much like two people from across the world may have written letters to each other in a time before the internet. It was a lot of fun to sit down for hours and write something which might make a person laugh. That would make them think - challenge them. To talk about your life and your hopes and fears, the big things and the mundane. We might talk about the mysteries of physics, black holes, neutron stars... or how Susan from work still has that annoying habit of standing slightly too close when talking to you in the kitchen. It might sound corny, but it was liberating to have the physical distractions that come from getting to know a person completely removed - I mean, to be able to really get to know a person without being confused as to whether it's all just lust.
As we gradually revealed pieces of ourselves (figuratively you perverts! 😌), I think we both realized evermore, just how much we had in common. Our worldviews were aligned. Our passions, desires and dreams were so similar. She saw the universe through a lens which made everything somehow both cold and warm, and above all, beautiful in the most frost-laden, timeless way. To put it as succinctly as I can; we have the same eyes. And I have never found anybody else like that. Let alone in such a kind, intelligent, and stunning woman as she is.
But. I'm a bad boy*. During the time I was falling in love with her (let's call her A), I was already in a relationship. But A knew that... because I didn't hide it. My then girlfriend (let's call her M) even knew that I was talking to this person online. The fact is, I tried to remain honest with both M and A - whilst knowing I'd most likely hurt both of them by being honest. Does that make me worse as a person? I don't know. Maybe hiding it would have been less cruel. I tried to do the the 'right thing', whatever that was. Alas, there didn't seem to be a right thing from my perspective.
Regardless, we carried on writing to each other, although less and less frequently. I was struggling with the guilt, and unsure of what I should do. I knew I either had to end my current relationship or forget A and tell her that we couldn't be together. But I remained a coward. I didn't make, what seemed to me an impossible decision to 'choose' between two women I loved.
And now, she's moved on. I think I broke her heart, as much as I broke my own. She won't speak to me. I still love her, and it's only now that she's found someone else that I feel a deep pain, as the reality sets that there will never be an us. That choice has been made for me, and I've missed my chance to show her, rather than only tell her how I feel. Since she stopped talking to me, I feel like someone's been tearing out my insides.
The thing is, it is all my fault. I'm not mad at anyone, not even myself. I'm just sad. Really, really sad. I just hope, sincerely, that her new boyfriend treats her in the way that I wanted to. If he doesn't see her as anything short of magnificent then she deserves better. A hypocrite though I may be, it's true. I hope he realizes how lucky he is, and if he has any sense, 'puts a ring on it' #shoutouttobeyonce asap. 💍 And although it hurts like all hell and I know I'm going to be crying myself to sleep for a while, if she's happy then that's okay. That's all I want.
I'll certainly take this one of life's lessons, and unfortunately it has taught me well.
*meant ironically. I'm actually a cheating piece of shit. I make no excuses. My behaviour has been terrible for a long time. But I know that, and I'm working on being a better person. So, if you feel the need to call me out or shoot me down, don't bother; I'm more than capable of doing that myself. 😔
