I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Married

Again... Like many on here I was married for 17 years.   We grew apart that is the short of it.  It got to the point where I wanted to be out of there and be on the road more than I wanted to be with her and in that house.  Can't tell you how hard it was go go back at the end of every trip to only be missed by the dogs and the kids, not by the one who should have missed me.

To this day I hate going there to get my kids, but I swallow it and deal with it.

My mom wonders when am I going to get MMMMMMMMMM'ed again....   I don't think that I will actually.  She didn't sound like she got it so after few phone calls and her asking every time I tried to explain it to her the best way that I can.

Attempted to tell her that I want to go where I am wanted.  It is a big thing with me, if I don't feel wanted/welcome at where I am I don't stay.  Would rather pack my bags and be on the way down the road then suffer through a visit at a place where I am not welcome.  For YEARS that is what I had to do.  Had to sleep in the same bed with a woman that would have rather me dead than hold my hand. 

Now those who have known me for a while will say " That isn't true, and that you were in love with her." 

Simple facts are this - I was a fool into thinking it was a marriage worth saving.  I was blind to the fact and had it in my head that it would be best to stay together and live with the feelings, taking the fact that I was miserable, unhappy and upset as part of life.   I was a fool, plain and simple.

It has been said on here by many and I am one of them that would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable. 

Want to be where I am welcome and wanted, where I am missed when gone.  I think everyone to some extent wants to know that when they come home they are welcome at home.  I was going home for the sake of going home, not cause I was welcome there.


My mom started to understand, my reasons for the way I live. 

It is sublime in the meaning, want to be where I am welcome.  I know where I am welcome and where I am not, no matter what the person I visit will say I know what my feelings are.

Hence the reason for the statement that I gave my mom. 

"Would rather go be with someone cause I want to be with them than be there out of an obligation.  Want to be there cause they want me to be there and not because it is where I should be." 


I know where my home is.  I know where my heart lies at night.  I know with whom I want to be with.

That is the simple facts of it.

Sorry if this sounds like a rambling on, for some they will understand the meaning of the words, for others they will think what they think.