I Don't Even Know What I Want Anymore
I feel so strange, so wrong, like everything I want is not really what I want and everything I don’t want...I don’t know, maybe I want them.
I’ve always been...I guess instinctively...quite good at drumming up and keeping casual, pretty low level intimacy with girls I liked, even if they’re mostly straight, I always found it quite straightforward to find people to play around with but I always thought...wondered...worried? Wondered why I couldn’t seem to feel any more than that, everyone around had serious feelings, real crushes, actual relationships, and yeah I guess they were childish then but still, they’re stronger feelings than the fleeting fancies I always hopped into. But now...I wish I could go back, maybe. I have a girl, one of my closest friends, who I feel for in a way I always wished I could feel, how all the cliches describe, and we are close, maybe too close, we’re really quite intimate to be honest. But it’s all casual, and it can’t be any more than that because..it just can’t. She has a boyfriend and I’m pretty certain that even if she didn’t, even despite the moments she’s shared with me, she wouldn’t want to actually have a serious relationship with another girl. But that’s immaterial, because she has a boyfriend and I feel guilty, I shouldn’t be doing these things with someone who’s already taken, and I feel sad, because I know that no matter what I desire I’ll never be able to have it, and I feel confused, trying to get my head around my own feelings and how to ignore them, because I just can’t stop myself. I just can’t stay in control, I just can’t tone myself down, because it feels so right while it’s happening and so wrong when my brain kicks in. I don’t want it to stop...I don’t want to feel these things, this guilt and this overwhelming desire, I wish I could pause my brain, reconfigure my emotions to things that just make more sense.
She’s in front of me, she’s just over there, and I can’t tear my eyes from her, I can’t tear my ears from her voice.
I’m sorry..I just needed an emotion dump. It does make a little more sense, remove any feelings of panic, to see it written down. I hope anyone reading this didn’t mind 💕 and I might end up deleting this later anyway
I’ve always been...I guess instinctively...quite good at drumming up and keeping casual, pretty low level intimacy with girls I liked, even if they’re mostly straight, I always found it quite straightforward to find people to play around with but I always thought...wondered...worried? Wondered why I couldn’t seem to feel any more than that, everyone around had serious feelings, real crushes, actual relationships, and yeah I guess they were childish then but still, they’re stronger feelings than the fleeting fancies I always hopped into. But now...I wish I could go back, maybe. I have a girl, one of my closest friends, who I feel for in a way I always wished I could feel, how all the cliches describe, and we are close, maybe too close, we’re really quite intimate to be honest. But it’s all casual, and it can’t be any more than that because..it just can’t. She has a boyfriend and I’m pretty certain that even if she didn’t, even despite the moments she’s shared with me, she wouldn’t want to actually have a serious relationship with another girl. But that’s immaterial, because she has a boyfriend and I feel guilty, I shouldn’t be doing these things with someone who’s already taken, and I feel sad, because I know that no matter what I desire I’ll never be able to have it, and I feel confused, trying to get my head around my own feelings and how to ignore them, because I just can’t stop myself. I just can’t stay in control, I just can’t tone myself down, because it feels so right while it’s happening and so wrong when my brain kicks in. I don’t want it to stop...I don’t want to feel these things, this guilt and this overwhelming desire, I wish I could pause my brain, reconfigure my emotions to things that just make more sense.
She’s in front of me, she’s just over there, and I can’t tear my eyes from her, I can’t tear my ears from her voice.
I’m sorry..I just needed an emotion dump. It does make a little more sense, remove any feelings of panic, to see it written down. I hope anyone reading this didn’t mind 💕 and I might end up deleting this later anyway
