I Have Social Anxiety

I don’t answer the door or pick up the phone unless I know exactly who it is. I cross the street, speed up or slow down my walk to avoid crossing people. If one manages to talk to me anyway, I tense up. I don’t like being in situations where I’m not prepared, that are unpredictable. I fear the volatile nature of others. Before I’ll be able to do or say anything, there will be words, emotions, piercing my brain uninvited. When I’m outside, I feel the gaze of people, and their judgment. How I dress, how I walk, how I dare to exist in the same space. I don’t like seeing people either, not even from a safe distance. It’s like reality TV, excruciatingly painful. I can barely handle my own emotions, those of strangers are just too much. Who am I kidding, it’s not limited to strangers. I can’t stand two words of conversation with even my closest relatives, and everyone who ever had a chance of being my friend I’ve safely zoned out. It’s like life is a radio, and I can only handle one exact frequency. If you’re not on there, I fear you and will avoid you at all costs. If you are, I need you in my life. There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground.