The irony of an eating disorder [I Would Go Back In Time If I Could]

Spent all my teenage years hunched over a toilet with a finger down my throat. Now at 28, I wake up and go to bed nauseated. My stomach is constantly bloated. I feel a sudden rush in my stomach and before I know it I'm dry heaving. I rush to open car doors,to find trash bins, to find toilets, sinks and plastic bags. Because I'll feel it coming out of me. And it'll only a matter of seconds. I spent so much of youth purging only to spend so much of my adult life still being all consumed by my own vomit. Except this time around,
I'm not sticking fingers in my throat. My body is unwell. Everything hurts. I rarely keep food down fully. And I don't know what it is. I've been told maybe it's IBS or maybe it's psychosomatic. Too anxious to see more doctors because they remind me of how much the scale has gone up. If only they knew how much numbers have and still mean to me. But if I could, I'd go back and do it so differently. I'd be kinder. Be more grateful.

I saw a picture of myself from back then. I was a tiny little thing. So wounded by this world and its words. Back then I was suffering so much I felt binging and purging was the only way out. I find myself grieving for a body I once had that I never learned to love. And a body now that functions less and less.