Why do some married people come on here to flirt?
Is your marriage so unhappy? I don’t understand those who say they are happily married, yet want to flirt with others. Maybe someone can explain that mindset.
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jim44444 · 70-79, M
Hi @Carissimi I have a few thoughts about this.
I also will contend that most married people will occasionally flirt on here and in real life.
Why?
Because we are married, not dead. We recognize the attractiveness of other people. So do our spouses. I feel sorry for those yoked to someone so dysfunctional that each must deny their humanity.
So what is wrong with flirting? I see it as a breaking of a social barrier, the acceptance of another into my group. The acceptance of another as someone to trust. It is a social way of letting someone know that they are accepted. It is not always a sexual ploy.
Sure it could be a seduction technique but that is manipulative misuse of flirting. It is used to gratify the urges of the individual. It is not intended to develop a social cohesiveness.
Why do some married people come on here to flirt?
This question seems to imply that the only reason that some married people are here is to flirt. It may be that some small percentage fall into that classification but I will contend that most married people are here for a host of other reasons.I also will contend that most married people will occasionally flirt on here and in real life.
Why?
Because we are married, not dead. We recognize the attractiveness of other people. So do our spouses. I feel sorry for those yoked to someone so dysfunctional that each must deny their humanity.
So what is wrong with flirting? I see it as a breaking of a social barrier, the acceptance of another into my group. The acceptance of another as someone to trust. It is a social way of letting someone know that they are accepted. It is not always a sexual ploy.
Sure it could be a seduction technique but that is manipulative misuse of flirting. It is used to gratify the urges of the individual. It is not intended to develop a social cohesiveness.
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Carissimi · F
Thank you for sharing your thoughts,@jim44444. However, I must be missing some type of gene because I still don’t get it. I can’t even imagine flirting with someone while I’m in love with someone else. I did think it may be a female thing, at first, but other women have proven that theory wrong. I guess it’s just me, and my uncommon thinking.
Carissimi · F
Jim, its not a boundary that I made by decision. It’s just a natural way of being to me. I have no desire to flirt with anyone when I’m in love. It wasn’t about me flirting with a married person. The question was about a happily married person wanting to flirt. That’s the part that is alien to me. Maybe it’s just one of those things I can never understand because my nature doesn’t work like that. @jim44444
OogieBoogie · F
@jim44444 @Carissimi
I've pondered on your question.
And I'm also a person to love only one at a time.
But neglect from my partner at the time, (which I've later found out can be worse than abuse, emotionally), caused me to seek people and conversation elsewhere.
I came here primarily for just a place to talk ideas, to find sociability.
But also found fun in flirting.
And I can't deny it made me realise I wasn't all the things I was told I was.
I found me again. My spark, My vitality and a sense of my inner respect for myself that I'd, for too long, lost.
It also helped me learn about the dynamics of my 'relationship' that I'd not seen.
Once my partner found out that other men liked me - he out in effort to getting me back - but also in destroying connections I'd made here.
It woke me up to the dysfunction I was living in.
Now, it may not have worked out that way, because, for a time - me Learning to love myself helped our relationship. If it hadn't been for overt possessiveness amd need for control - i think it would have kept improving.
So maybe, when married people flirt here - it helps them realise they're still attractive, it boosts self esteem - and may help them rejuvenate what they have romantically in RL.
It's just a thought. 🤷♀️
I've pondered on your question.
And I'm also a person to love only one at a time.
But neglect from my partner at the time, (which I've later found out can be worse than abuse, emotionally), caused me to seek people and conversation elsewhere.
I came here primarily for just a place to talk ideas, to find sociability.
But also found fun in flirting.
And I can't deny it made me realise I wasn't all the things I was told I was.
I found me again. My spark, My vitality and a sense of my inner respect for myself that I'd, for too long, lost.
It also helped me learn about the dynamics of my 'relationship' that I'd not seen.
Once my partner found out that other men liked me - he out in effort to getting me back - but also in destroying connections I'd made here.
It woke me up to the dysfunction I was living in.
Now, it may not have worked out that way, because, for a time - me Learning to love myself helped our relationship. If it hadn't been for overt possessiveness amd need for control - i think it would have kept improving.
So maybe, when married people flirt here - it helps them realise they're still attractive, it boosts self esteem - and may help them rejuvenate what they have romantically in RL.
It's just a thought. 🤷♀️
Carissimi · F
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I understand completely why married people flirt when they are not having their physical and/or emotional needs met from their significant other. I was speaking of those who say they are happily married, that’s what I don’t understand. [@
I do have a question for you, though. You said you learned to love yourself. Didn’t that come about from being validated by others who found you attractive? If you never knew that others found you attractive, you’d still believe what you had been told. Is that right?
I do have a question for you, though. You said you learned to love yourself. Didn’t that come about from being validated by others who found you attractive? If you never knew that others found you attractive, you’d still believe what you had been told. Is that right?
OogieBoogie · F
@Carissimi it's a very long tale, and highly complex.
But to simplify it into a nutshell:
I'd come to believe my ex didn't want Me no matter what or how I tried to improve things. In fact - thr harder i tried, it seemed the more resistence I got.
I became lost in trying to change and improve myself for him.
Instead of myself.
Seeing and enjoying fun conversations and debates, and talking of my expereinces woke me up to 'me' AND the reality of my situation.
Sometimes one can get lost in a limited perspective.
And here, broadened mine.
It just wasnt finding that others found me attractive sexually, it was also finding out that I was also socially attractive to some, and that not all other relationships were what mine was.... And Especially - the ones that were..... Had others suffering the same delusions and feelings that I'd developed.
And that not all men treated their women like mine did.
But each aspect - the flirting, the learning, the bigger perspective, all contributed to a clearer, more realistic view of my life, and me.
Plus - the laughter helped HEAPS!😊
As to whether I would have found myself on my own without flirting?.... Yes, just talking normal conversations Here helped me a great deal.
Flirting just helped me find my sexuality again.
I think all in all, this was what a real life friend group would have done.
But since I didn't have one at the time - it was a substitute.
But since then, my life has now expanded - and it's helping Me get back to my True self.
Some peoples lives become, or are limited. And we can't help but compare ourselves to others when we're not happy.
And when one has exhausted all their own personal resources - we look outward for help in feeling better, or for advice.
We are social creatures naturally.
But to simplify it into a nutshell:
I'd come to believe my ex didn't want Me no matter what or how I tried to improve things. In fact - thr harder i tried, it seemed the more resistence I got.
I became lost in trying to change and improve myself for him.
Instead of myself.
Seeing and enjoying fun conversations and debates, and talking of my expereinces woke me up to 'me' AND the reality of my situation.
Sometimes one can get lost in a limited perspective.
And here, broadened mine.
It just wasnt finding that others found me attractive sexually, it was also finding out that I was also socially attractive to some, and that not all other relationships were what mine was.... And Especially - the ones that were..... Had others suffering the same delusions and feelings that I'd developed.
And that not all men treated their women like mine did.
But each aspect - the flirting, the learning, the bigger perspective, all contributed to a clearer, more realistic view of my life, and me.
Plus - the laughter helped HEAPS!😊
As to whether I would have found myself on my own without flirting?.... Yes, just talking normal conversations Here helped me a great deal.
Flirting just helped me find my sexuality again.
I think all in all, this was what a real life friend group would have done.
But since I didn't have one at the time - it was a substitute.
But since then, my life has now expanded - and it's helping Me get back to my True self.
Some peoples lives become, or are limited. And we can't help but compare ourselves to others when we're not happy.
And when one has exhausted all their own personal resources - we look outward for help in feeling better, or for advice.
We are social creatures naturally.