I didn't get to hold my baby until she was two days old. She was very unwell and had to go straight to the NICU after she was born. We stayed for nearly two weeks in the hospital, me recovering from a c section (and stubbornly high blood pressure) and my daughter getting a down syndrome diagnosis, doctors discovering a hole in her heart, fighting thrombocytopaenia and an infection that luckily did not turn to sepsis.
I often wonder if our rough start contributed to the long time it took for me to feel bonded to her. I knew I might not get the immediate "love rush", in fact I didn't think I would. Turns out I actually did, but there was no baby in my arms so it faded away, to sadness, numbness and a dutiful kind of love towards her that was to persist for many months.
She needed open heart surgery at four months old and it was only then that I felt the deep love that I had briefly felt when she was born. I think I didn't want to feel it before because I thought she would die and I couldn't bear it. Although the surgery and recovery was the worst of times, it was also the best because I knew then we were going to be ok.
She's eight months old now and I'm still learning to be her mum. I fight severe anxiety around her eating and her health every day, but I have the best tiny teacher I could ever ask for. I often joke that the reason I'm not scared of horror movies anymore is because I lived through the scariest thing I ever could. All the same, I'm grateful to be out of it and moving forward.
@SW-User thank you, but it's "people with down syndrome". It's just one part of them, not the whole thing. And they are all individual, some might be loyal, sweet and accepting, but let's not generalise shall we?
Cool.. i never went through anything like that but I still say I was terrified for the first year of each of my kids life wondering if I were a good mum.
