You mess up once and everyone turns on you.

I suppose I should give some background information on my family to better understand who they are and where I came from. I am the youngest of three children and the second born son of a wealthy family. As the second born son I had far more freedom than my brother did. In a way I dodged a bullet even though he is far more successful than I ever will be. Due to coming from this type of family there was a certain image to uphold. I broke that image and managed to tarnish the family name. Here is how in a nutshell.

In the early/mid 90s I was running with a group of people who I should have never gotten involved with. One night we were hanging out and one of my "friends" at the time had brought a drug known as heroin with him to show us. Now none of us have ever done anything like that before. Drugs were extremely frowned down upon where I came from. Junkies were even more frowned upon. You might as well have killed somebody because in their eyes you are as bad as that. Admittedly I jumped the gun a little and I need to slow my roll. I am sorry for that. To get back on the subject we were all on the fence about trying it. Some backed out and would not do it while myself and a few others tried it. I should have backed out. Instead of calling those who backed out names I should have just left. The only thing I left with was an addiction. I craved the stuff and because of this craving it led to a lot of problems.

Fast forward to 1997 I was caught in possession of heroin. I did time for it. I was shunned and shunned hard. Remember when I said drug addicts are heavily frowned down upon? Everyone turned their back on me and refused to have anything to do with me. My family was dragged through the mud. Their own son a criminal and an addict was not a good look for them. They turned their backs on me. Everyone turned their backs on me.I managed to get back on track around 2000 but the damage was done and everyone kept their distance. Their precious name was restored because they cut off the rotten spot (me). It's amazing how one incident can really show you who people are. Even funnier considering they were fine with me being a homosexual where I might have been disowned elsewhere for that alone.

I ended up leaving the area because I was tired of being asked if I was related to (insert family member's name here) and if I answered yes they would respond with "oh you are the one that was disowned." Even if I said nothing and so happened to be at a bar and someone saw my name they would say "oh you are that heroin addict." I will always be known as that to these people until I die. The last time I saw my family was when I was invited to the funeral of my mother in 2015.I walked in and I could just feel the air in the room change. It felt uncomfortable having all of those eyes on you. I could hear everyone's thoughts as to why was I here. Who invited you? What does he think he is doing by coming here? I declined to go to the reception afterwards. I did not want to make things anymore uncomfortable.

My sister was the one who invited me as she thought it would be proper for me to come. My siblings were the only ones who really spoke to me. The conversations felt forced but I appreciate them for trying to make me feel welcomed. Maybe someday things will be better between us all. I know it is cruel to say but maybe when the older generation dies off there will be more freedom to breathe.