I Just Had A Mental Breakdown
For the past week at around 8-11 I have had a mental breakdown. Yea I know this is written at 3 am but I’ve had time to process my breakdown and now I’m ready to spew about it.
I get horrible soul crushing anxiety and sadness when I think about the fact that I’m going to alone in this world. That my dad is going to die very early leaving me with only a few years left to a max of 15 years. Even if he lives to the max 15 years, I’ll only be 31 when he goes.
Being born with an older brother I never had to think about things like that, I knew I was going to have someone by my side to help me. To be by my side regardless of how much we disliked each other.
But now I’m an only child, it’s a shock. I don’t know how to be an only child. It’s all new to me. It’s all finally now surfacing through, all the anxiety, all the fear, everything.
When I tell my dad I’m going to all alone in the world he reassures me somebody will marry me, but it’s not even that. Plus, no one will marry me. I’m a horrible person.
It’s the fact that I will have no one to go to, no one to push away when I’m hating myself, no one to get mad at, I’ll once again be left to endure the cruel world by myself.
It won’t even matter if I marry, the woman always takes the mans name and if not then it’s stupidly hyphenated—no thanks. So I can’t even carry our name on, and frankly I don’t want to have children.
I don’t even have friends either, so I can’t even go to them as if they’re my family. I can’t make friends nor keep them. I self sabotage that shit too frequently. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m hurting and then I put the cherry on top by making myself hurt some more after that. I’m really hating myself for not committing suicide before my brother.
I have absolutely zero worth in this world while my brother was legit a genius and worth more than I’ll ever be. This is so messy with thoughts and feelings but I don’t care I just needed to put this somewhere.
I get horrible soul crushing anxiety and sadness when I think about the fact that I’m going to alone in this world. That my dad is going to die very early leaving me with only a few years left to a max of 15 years. Even if he lives to the max 15 years, I’ll only be 31 when he goes.
Being born with an older brother I never had to think about things like that, I knew I was going to have someone by my side to help me. To be by my side regardless of how much we disliked each other.
But now I’m an only child, it’s a shock. I don’t know how to be an only child. It’s all new to me. It’s all finally now surfacing through, all the anxiety, all the fear, everything.
When I tell my dad I’m going to all alone in the world he reassures me somebody will marry me, but it’s not even that. Plus, no one will marry me. I’m a horrible person.
It’s the fact that I will have no one to go to, no one to push away when I’m hating myself, no one to get mad at, I’ll once again be left to endure the cruel world by myself.
It won’t even matter if I marry, the woman always takes the mans name and if not then it’s stupidly hyphenated—no thanks. So I can’t even carry our name on, and frankly I don’t want to have children.
I don’t even have friends either, so I can’t even go to them as if they’re my family. I can’t make friends nor keep them. I self sabotage that shit too frequently. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m hurting and then I put the cherry on top by making myself hurt some more after that. I’m really hating myself for not committing suicide before my brother.
I have absolutely zero worth in this world while my brother was legit a genius and worth more than I’ll ever be. This is so messy with thoughts and feelings but I don’t care I just needed to put this somewhere.
