I Am Broken and Picking Up the Pieces
Sitting in a favorite restaurant with my little girls, it's dinner time. I sit back and listen to them chatter about their day. My mind is half there, they're excited about projects and an well deserved A on a math test, my youngest mentions something to me about something mean a boy said to her and I only have the emotional capacity to give her a few words of encouragement, a reassuring squeeze of her hand, and some advise. But my thoughts are elsewhere.
Like, what the hell happened to my life? How did I get here? Alone and lonely sitting in a restaurant for dinner when not too long ago I'd be happily preparing a big meal in my busy kitchen - for my children, my husband. The schedule would be tight because some one had dance class or football practice, homework to complete or cheer jumps to perfect.
My two oldest, boys, are now men and out making their own way. My husband, he's gone. Our marriage is over. Done. It was done long before he left though. And, I am to blame. Honestly, I wanted too much.. to be loved, I see now that he loved me in his own way.
To feel affection, I understand that he tried, but I'd push him away. I thought I needed more. So I went searching and I got caught in a snare. What I found, my husband would never be able to compare. I was finished with my marriage anyway so I forged on. However, after time, It only continually left me empty, broken and hurting.
So much damage everywhere and it's totally my fault. My girls will be raised without their dad in the home, I have my house, but it's an empty shell. Memories and "what if's". I've made mistakes in my life, and bounced back. I'm not so sure about this one. I will certainly pay for my actions - consequences I am facing. My life and future altered and that of my children as well.
My girls seem happy and are adjusting well, but I know they're hurting inside. We all are. I'm picking up the pieces and trying to recover. Trying to survive, living life and holding back tears.
But even with all this, I still feel hopeful. My heart is strong. My kids need their mom. And, I'm going to get us through this. Somehow.
Like, what the hell happened to my life? How did I get here? Alone and lonely sitting in a restaurant for dinner when not too long ago I'd be happily preparing a big meal in my busy kitchen - for my children, my husband. The schedule would be tight because some one had dance class or football practice, homework to complete or cheer jumps to perfect.
My two oldest, boys, are now men and out making their own way. My husband, he's gone. Our marriage is over. Done. It was done long before he left though. And, I am to blame. Honestly, I wanted too much.. to be loved, I see now that he loved me in his own way.
To feel affection, I understand that he tried, but I'd push him away. I thought I needed more. So I went searching and I got caught in a snare. What I found, my husband would never be able to compare. I was finished with my marriage anyway so I forged on. However, after time, It only continually left me empty, broken and hurting.
So much damage everywhere and it's totally my fault. My girls will be raised without their dad in the home, I have my house, but it's an empty shell. Memories and "what if's". I've made mistakes in my life, and bounced back. I'm not so sure about this one. I will certainly pay for my actions - consequences I am facing. My life and future altered and that of my children as well.
My girls seem happy and are adjusting well, but I know they're hurting inside. We all are. I'm picking up the pieces and trying to recover. Trying to survive, living life and holding back tears.
But even with all this, I still feel hopeful. My heart is strong. My kids need their mom. And, I'm going to get us through this. Somehow.
