I Would Love To Write
I always thought there was something romantic about fighting for someone, about winning them back. Eventual happiness. All those fairy-tales are to blame. Beauty fighting for beast, with the world, with him, to save him, and getting the undying love, happily ever after. That’s how I always envision the world, trying to find somebody jaded, and trying to win them over. Moving hell and earth, giving loyalty and unconditional love. Whatever stones, or boulders thrown at me, wincing, and taking them in stride. Thinking one day, they would appreciate the undying, selfless devotion. See for themselves, how important I am or how irreplaceable. The first time it backfired, I thought maybe, it was the wrong person. Some people are selfish, even when you aren’t. And expecting them to even care is laughable. It took me a long while to take the blame off myself and just accept the unjust. Till it happened again.
I sit here with stones in my chest, where hope used to lie, I have come to realize that there is nothing lovely about having to continuously convince someone to love you. When they cant even respect the will it takes to love irrevocably, all the while knowing it isn’t reciprocated, would never have any feelings in return. And when people tell me, about Karma and “realizations”, people have later, how they repent there mistakes, I feel like laughing out loud. There is nothing remotely close to that. People never realize, if somebody is worthless to them, even if they say lovey dovey stuff, they would never understand. My ex taught me this lesson. Though I spent good three years telling him he isn’t worthless, I will always stand by him, he cheated on me and told me I wasn’t supportive of his wants and needs. I forgot it for a while, how self-centred people can be, how unaccommodating. To think they would make an exception for me, even if I demean myself every day for them, throw my life, my dreams away is plain Stupid. I am far cry from irreplaceable. I hope you find peace and love, even though you deprive me of it. And I know you would. Cz only karma is in my life. Crippling me each day a little more.
I sit here with stones in my chest, where hope used to lie, I have come to realize that there is nothing lovely about having to continuously convince someone to love you. When they cant even respect the will it takes to love irrevocably, all the while knowing it isn’t reciprocated, would never have any feelings in return. And when people tell me, about Karma and “realizations”, people have later, how they repent there mistakes, I feel like laughing out loud. There is nothing remotely close to that. People never realize, if somebody is worthless to them, even if they say lovey dovey stuff, they would never understand. My ex taught me this lesson. Though I spent good three years telling him he isn’t worthless, I will always stand by him, he cheated on me and told me I wasn’t supportive of his wants and needs. I forgot it for a while, how self-centred people can be, how unaccommodating. To think they would make an exception for me, even if I demean myself every day for them, throw my life, my dreams away is plain Stupid. I am far cry from irreplaceable. I hope you find peace and love, even though you deprive me of it. And I know you would. Cz only karma is in my life. Crippling me each day a little more.
31-35, F
