I Would Love To Write
sitting idle alwats brings back memories. and in my case, bad memories. I agree with the one who said about mind being devil's workshop.
Past few days, this has become a recurring memory, so I guess I will pen it down. I am unusually talented at burying bad memories. in fact, I cant even hold a grudge. Same is the case, with my ex. I just dont have anything, any memory bad or good associated with him. they all just faded. but sometimes something triggers some.
I am trying to see this, without emotion. Unbiased account. My ex, his name started with H, was my classmate from college. I have always been a little nerdy, but I had a lot of friends. 4 years of college, and I am the happy go lucky kind. make friends easily. H would too, he had a falling out with his towards the end of college.
now, we have this Farewell party that is thrown for the graduating batch. I was pretty excited about it, like everyone else. Dresses, shoes and all that were discussed about 2 months ahead. the planning started. H started saying he wouldn't attend. I was torn, I really wanted to, cz this was the last day of school, last time I would meet my friends before we all go our ways. H was adamant. So while everyone was planning their sarees, I was busy trying to ask him to attend. I spoke to his mom, his best friend. We all tried to talk him into going. the day wss approaching fast, and I had nothing to wear. And H wasnt happy, he said I could go, but he wouldn't come. I pleaded, begged, argued. to no avail.
I lost my interest too. I had to go regardless, cz I couldn't answer 100 people questioning my absence. I dint shop, I wore whatever I had handy. the day of party I was so pissed at H, that I dint even ask him to come. I went, I cried a lot. All my pictures have swollen eyes and red nose.
After the party, H said I dint ask him to come, he would have. I was flabbergasted. I have been begging him literally since two months, and one day I got angry, he laid the whole blame on me. I took it too. I said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
after two years, when he dumped me, he dug this incident out. That for me party and shopping was more important than him. And all I could think was, really? after everything I did. now I know, it wasn't my fault. I did all I could. he could never see, or appreciate. Cz I never counted what I did, while he counted what I dint. And almost 4 years after this incident, I know, you may love somebody unconditionally, but its wasted on them. Cz u love somebody above yourself. when u love somebody more than you love yourself, u cant expect them to love u either. since u cant do it for yourself.
I have learned this lesson. I however need idk how much more experience before I implement it.
Past few days, this has become a recurring memory, so I guess I will pen it down. I am unusually talented at burying bad memories. in fact, I cant even hold a grudge. Same is the case, with my ex. I just dont have anything, any memory bad or good associated with him. they all just faded. but sometimes something triggers some.
I am trying to see this, without emotion. Unbiased account. My ex, his name started with H, was my classmate from college. I have always been a little nerdy, but I had a lot of friends. 4 years of college, and I am the happy go lucky kind. make friends easily. H would too, he had a falling out with his towards the end of college.
now, we have this Farewell party that is thrown for the graduating batch. I was pretty excited about it, like everyone else. Dresses, shoes and all that were discussed about 2 months ahead. the planning started. H started saying he wouldn't attend. I was torn, I really wanted to, cz this was the last day of school, last time I would meet my friends before we all go our ways. H was adamant. So while everyone was planning their sarees, I was busy trying to ask him to attend. I spoke to his mom, his best friend. We all tried to talk him into going. the day wss approaching fast, and I had nothing to wear. And H wasnt happy, he said I could go, but he wouldn't come. I pleaded, begged, argued. to no avail.
I lost my interest too. I had to go regardless, cz I couldn't answer 100 people questioning my absence. I dint shop, I wore whatever I had handy. the day of party I was so pissed at H, that I dint even ask him to come. I went, I cried a lot. All my pictures have swollen eyes and red nose.
After the party, H said I dint ask him to come, he would have. I was flabbergasted. I have been begging him literally since two months, and one day I got angry, he laid the whole blame on me. I took it too. I said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
after two years, when he dumped me, he dug this incident out. That for me party and shopping was more important than him. And all I could think was, really? after everything I did. now I know, it wasn't my fault. I did all I could. he could never see, or appreciate. Cz I never counted what I did, while he counted what I dint. And almost 4 years after this incident, I know, you may love somebody unconditionally, but its wasted on them. Cz u love somebody above yourself. when u love somebody more than you love yourself, u cant expect them to love u either. since u cant do it for yourself.
I have learned this lesson. I however need idk how much more experience before I implement it.
31-35, F