I Would Love To Write
Another weekend passed by, so fast. Everyone shares this sentiment, weekends pass by quick. Starting Monday we wait and wait for the elusive weekend, the short spell of peace on the horizon. But a weekend is like one of those illusions, they are shorter before and after the pass. And long when they are actually passing. I woke up Saturday, lazy weekend yay! By an hour I was bored and come Sunday night, I am sad that another weekend passed and I accomplished absolutely nothing. While this is my usual weekend routine this was another one of those not so good ones.
Weekends sometimes feel so bleak that it breaks me down, dropping me to my knees, to cry out in sheer desperation. It’s the feeling of being alone. While the whole world is too busy, living a life. The first day off is OK, the weekend high, gets me to the end of it pretty fast. But the loneliness wave hits in the evening, halfway through the weekend, and I drown, fast. It would have been easier to handle, if it were the only emotion. I unfortunately have one more weekend mate, it’s called regret. I regret everything I have done, or am not doing and would happen cz of that. The whole inaction, which is completely my fault. Before I know I am drowning, and grasping at straws. These straws, my busy friends, the guy I love, they don’t understand the feelings. For they are beyond the drama of life, they are self-sufficient. The Loneliness wave doesn’t hit them. And me, it just barrels over at most unexpected of times. Like:
1)I am learning how to drive. I am not fond of driving. And while going to the empty lane I practice, the thoughts are something like this, “its important skill to have B, you gotta learn”, “unlike A and M and all your other friends who are getting married this year, you wont have the benefit of a husband driving you to even pick groceries”, “and you cant afford a cab all the time, or a personal chauffer”. While the first thought was positive, the rest too made me feel the two emotions I battle, loneliness, and regret. I know I would never have anyone drive me anywhere, cz the one I want would be too busy with their life, one I don’t exist in. And regret, of not being good enough to be alone.
2)Tired of the mundane routine, I started planning a trip. All I need is some peace and quiet, right? Wrong. All you see is a romantic destination, and nobody to share it with, not now not ever. I don’t even see myself ever going to anyplace and have somebody hold my hand. Its an impossible notion. I don’t have the luxury. It’s a rough path. And never reachable destination, one I have chosen.
As they say, you mind is your biggest enemy, I feel it is, it only brings me down. Every weekend, when I am idle, my mind is devil’s workshop. I have things I could do but I don’t. Oh no! I let Satan have reign over my mind and his demons prevail. Dancing in me, prowling, holding me back, and imprisoning me in myself. Work, as hellish as it can be, still offers a distraction from this. I promised myself I wouldn’t be gloomy, or write gloomy stuff, but I just cant seem to help myself. It’s the stupid heart. I try to hold it, contain it. It works well, for a while. And then, nothing, sh!t hits the fan!! In fact, weekends have almost lost their charm for me. I am growing too old too fast. Growing bitter and cynical. All cz I cant rein my emotions in.
Weekends sometimes feel so bleak that it breaks me down, dropping me to my knees, to cry out in sheer desperation. It’s the feeling of being alone. While the whole world is too busy, living a life. The first day off is OK, the weekend high, gets me to the end of it pretty fast. But the loneliness wave hits in the evening, halfway through the weekend, and I drown, fast. It would have been easier to handle, if it were the only emotion. I unfortunately have one more weekend mate, it’s called regret. I regret everything I have done, or am not doing and would happen cz of that. The whole inaction, which is completely my fault. Before I know I am drowning, and grasping at straws. These straws, my busy friends, the guy I love, they don’t understand the feelings. For they are beyond the drama of life, they are self-sufficient. The Loneliness wave doesn’t hit them. And me, it just barrels over at most unexpected of times. Like:
1)I am learning how to drive. I am not fond of driving. And while going to the empty lane I practice, the thoughts are something like this, “its important skill to have B, you gotta learn”, “unlike A and M and all your other friends who are getting married this year, you wont have the benefit of a husband driving you to even pick groceries”, “and you cant afford a cab all the time, or a personal chauffer”. While the first thought was positive, the rest too made me feel the two emotions I battle, loneliness, and regret. I know I would never have anyone drive me anywhere, cz the one I want would be too busy with their life, one I don’t exist in. And regret, of not being good enough to be alone.
2)Tired of the mundane routine, I started planning a trip. All I need is some peace and quiet, right? Wrong. All you see is a romantic destination, and nobody to share it with, not now not ever. I don’t even see myself ever going to anyplace and have somebody hold my hand. Its an impossible notion. I don’t have the luxury. It’s a rough path. And never reachable destination, one I have chosen.
As they say, you mind is your biggest enemy, I feel it is, it only brings me down. Every weekend, when I am idle, my mind is devil’s workshop. I have things I could do but I don’t. Oh no! I let Satan have reign over my mind and his demons prevail. Dancing in me, prowling, holding me back, and imprisoning me in myself. Work, as hellish as it can be, still offers a distraction from this. I promised myself I wouldn’t be gloomy, or write gloomy stuff, but I just cant seem to help myself. It’s the stupid heart. I try to hold it, contain it. It works well, for a while. And then, nothing, sh!t hits the fan!! In fact, weekends have almost lost their charm for me. I am growing too old too fast. Growing bitter and cynical. All cz I cant rein my emotions in.
31-35, F