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I Would Love To Write

So I have decided to start writing something, anything, everyday. Maybe one day I might pen down a story. I have realized when I write about my feelings or share some anecdote, I can probably write more that few words, especially if I am cribbing. Though most of my thoughts are running at different tangents altogether. They are elusive, by the time I try to catch hold of one, and write, it is overran by 3 more, and I, start chasing the new butterfly.

Today, I am going to write (read “crib”) about another incident. I have grown up hearing this saying “time heals all wounds”, most of us have. But I always wonder, do they really? And yes, maybe on the surface they do heal, but what about the fault lines running deep under the skin? And most importantly, the pain. This reminds me of a scene from Harry potter and Deathly hallows, when the trio go to steal Gringott’s, the high security vaults have a dragon for gatekeeper, a blind one. The Goblin have these small metal instruments “Clankers”, every time they shake it the dragon retreats, it has been trained to expect pain with that sound. Its like the same reaction somebody who has been abused will have. Try making any sudden movement, or raise your hand, they will cringe.

Probably not a good example, but that’s how I feel, every time I see something that has given me pain before I react. I don’t retreat, I have a different mechanism, I push away, it’s more of a reflex action. And it’s not easy to be on the receiving end of the push. People don’t understand the pain that has caused the pushing action, they just see the action, and they leave. I can change myself, maybe that’s partly why I am writing everything down, every action, so that I can analyse my emotions and control them, and respond not react. But it takes a good deal of patience and insight to look past the action and see hurt, and insecurity. I do explain, though a little late, all my actions. But as always, actions has consequences, and even a little late is late enough. I push every time, half to shield myself and half to see how strong a person’s will to stay is. And mostly I end up making a fool of myself. If somebody tries to push me away, I stay, just to test waters and check if thats what the person needs, but I am probably the most stupid person alive, cz people usually just leave when pushed. Add in insecurities to that stupidity and all you would have is hot mess aka moi.

 
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