I Always Felt Ugly
I never really thought of myself as ugly or beautiful until I was about 11. My father, who was always saying funny or witty things my whole life, told me that he thought my nose was too big. I didn't really have any opinion about at the time but felt slightly confused. I gave him a face that conveyed, "Whatever.", but it felt escalated when he said, "Oh yeah, you were an ugly baby when you were born."
I was felt shocked by the words but I wasn't prepared for what he did next. My father, a man who I considered one of my best friends of any age, who had instilled in me a love of education (specifically the humanities), pulled out a family album. He turned to an 8 by 10 glossy of me and in one word, crushed me.
"See?"
I looked at the picture, then at my father's smiling face, then back at the picture. He meant it as a joke, but I didn't see it. I felt trapped. My father was basically encouraging me to confirm my own ugliness. "I...I..", I stammered.
I was already an overweight kid who got teased at school, had few friends, and was being rejected by the girls that I chosen to like. This was a pattern I would see repeated in my life for some years afterward to varying degrees. It was a moment that had a profound effect on my self esteem.
I was felt shocked by the words but I wasn't prepared for what he did next. My father, a man who I considered one of my best friends of any age, who had instilled in me a love of education (specifically the humanities), pulled out a family album. He turned to an 8 by 10 glossy of me and in one word, crushed me.
"See?"
I looked at the picture, then at my father's smiling face, then back at the picture. He meant it as a joke, but I didn't see it. I felt trapped. My father was basically encouraging me to confirm my own ugliness. "I...I..", I stammered.
I was already an overweight kid who got teased at school, had few friends, and was being rejected by the girls that I chosen to like. This was a pattern I would see repeated in my life for some years afterward to varying degrees. It was a moment that had a profound effect on my self esteem.
