I Am What I Am , I Am
Refocusing: What I am vs. What I am NOT
Lately, it has been harder to deal with my insecurities. I had a moment last weekend where I lost control of my emotions: worthless, unlovable, replaceable...over and over. It seems triggered by the possibility of my partner meeting someone new (he is poly-amorous but that is another story), it started to nag at me, why do I feel this way? How can I hate myself so much? The answers came in waves,
[sep]I am not physically with him. It is mostly due to my career but it isn't less hard on me. I miss him. Will he move on without me? What value could I possibly have?
I am a woman he loves (friend, girlfriend or other). This despite the distance that makes it almost impossible for him to feel my love.
[sep] I am not smart. I don't understand him and I miss the point to often. There is little advice I can offer him in his time of need.
I am open minded. No, I don't understand but I try really hard to.
[sep] I am not hard working. I stay still when the task involves my emotions. I procrastinate working on myself and dealing with my mental health.
I am scared. Scared of the process and engaging with myself, I am scared of finding out the the voices are right.
[sep] I am not beautiful. Disgusting, who could ever feel attracted to me?
I am kind. And that is beautiful, specially in a world that can be so cold.
[sep]
While it will take some time to address the things I am NOT. Reminding myself of what I am seems like a good start. Hopefully with time I can turn those NOTs into AMs.
Lately, it has been harder to deal with my insecurities. I had a moment last weekend where I lost control of my emotions: worthless, unlovable, replaceable...over and over. It seems triggered by the possibility of my partner meeting someone new (he is poly-amorous but that is another story), it started to nag at me, why do I feel this way? How can I hate myself so much? The answers came in waves,
[sep]I am not physically with him. It is mostly due to my career but it isn't less hard on me. I miss him. Will he move on without me? What value could I possibly have?
I am a woman he loves (friend, girlfriend or other). This despite the distance that makes it almost impossible for him to feel my love.
[sep] I am not smart. I don't understand him and I miss the point to often. There is little advice I can offer him in his time of need.
I am open minded. No, I don't understand but I try really hard to.
[sep] I am not hard working. I stay still when the task involves my emotions. I procrastinate working on myself and dealing with my mental health.
I am scared. Scared of the process and engaging with myself, I am scared of finding out the the voices are right.
[sep] I am not beautiful. Disgusting, who could ever feel attracted to me?
I am kind. And that is beautiful, specially in a world that can be so cold.
[sep]
While it will take some time to address the things I am NOT. Reminding myself of what I am seems like a good start. Hopefully with time I can turn those NOTs into AMs.
31-35, F
