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I Hate Losing People Who Are Important To Me

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It looks like I am about to lose two friends. Some of you here have read my Featured story about my crazy communist mother and my difficult life.

Since I wrote it (re-naming it "Red Scare"), I have started showing it to long time friends. Some of these friends are people I have suspected as part of my mother's people, her cult-like group, and yet have still thought of them as friends in spite of my suspicions. Maybe that is crazy, but there are people I have known for a long time, people I really like, whose company I've enjoyed, but who might be part of my late mother's secret group.

I've discovered that some of my regular non-suspect friends have read my story and talked to me about it with various reactions, glad I shared it with them.

But whenever I have allowed anyone I have suspected to be part of my mother's old group to read it...all communication ceases. No one from my childhood world will even speak to me after reading it. Some of them knew my mother and have stated in the past that they knew she was super witch, so the information cannot be any sort of a shock to them; they know a lot about it already, maybe even more than I do.

There are now two more on my list who have received copies of my story, the last two I have sent it out to, and the last people from my background I will be sending it out to.

The main purpose of sending my story to people I have known from my background (people I like but have long suspected were part of my mother's cult-like group) was to allow myself to sort out any paranoid fantasies and fears I have from reality and learn once and for all if these people were real friends or not. I needed to know who they really are. There is a lot of evidence on both sides when I've considered it.

I knew that if I had the courage to send out my story, if they were truly friends, they would likely be sympathetic or at least they'd comment honestly on the story. But, if they were my mother's people (the phrase I use to describe my mother's cult group once located in the old Cold War Communist Party), they would either become enraged or, far more likely, they would simply cut me off and never speak to me again.

These two friends I sent copies of the story to in late summer have not contacted me in months. I have sent four emails to one woman, six to another as well as several phone messages to her. No reply.

It looks like I will have to adjust to losing more friends--or "frenemies."

Today I decided I would send them casual, friendly emails seeing if they might reply. If they do not reply in a week, I will send another email to each of them or try to phone them or both.

If no reply, I will know for sure who they are. And that I've lost two people in my life whom I like. But I am beginning to realize they may never have ever really been friends. This has me very sad and somewhat agitated. I have such conflicted feelings about it.

I've known one since 1970. We have had a lot of good times. But some extremely bad ones too. I have never been 100% sure whether she was a real friend or a spy and life wrecker from my mother's crazy world.

The other one I have known since 1984. It has been a somewhat one sided friendship with me keeping up contact more than her. She may be part of my mother's trainees from my mother's group; I know her close friend is almost certainly part of that world. Now I am waiting and getting ready to finally know the truth.

Neither one has been a totally kind, loyal friend. But both of them are people I do genuinely like and admire. And it is hard for me to admit that these relationships may have never been real. I know it's time to find out for sure. And live with whatever I find out.

The thought that I may never hear from them ever again is sad. I've known them a long time.

I will post an update about this if/when I hear from them--thus erasing my paranoid fears permanently--or finally come to realize who they are and get used to the idea that they are not only gone from my life after decades but were possibly never my friends to begin with.
70-79, F
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Jan 12, 2019
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Edited: 3 mths ago
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I Hate Losing People Who Are Important To Me
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