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I’ve always questioned this...

When an immediate family member dies you not only are responsible for planning the funeral and possibly managing the estate, but also feeding the guests that attend the funeral and covering up your emotions while greeting them at the viewing/service. It just seems like a lot of pressure for one person who probably hasn’t even taken a moment to grieve themselves because they’re so busy making sure everyone else is okay. If you choose not to be social bc you are grieving, then this is frowned upon bc you’re not entertaining the guests. Why all this pressure on the person(s) affected the most?
SweetMae · 70-79, F
It does help to have friends and family to share the burden with but I know not everyone has that.
@SweetMae yeah that’s true. If you have family that’s emotionally stronger they could help cover you when dealing with all those people.
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
It doesnt have to be. The funeral directors can manage all of that for you.
@whowasthatmaskedman I didn’t know they do all that. I thought they just plan for what happens to the remains and anything outside of the burial or viewing is your responsibility.
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@DecafD Well, maybe things are different where you are. But Our funeral home managed everything, including catering. Of course, there was a charge. But literally left us with nothing more to worry about than holding it all together on the day.
@whowasthatmaskedman that’s really nice! I’m def going to look into this when needed. Thanks!
iamnikki · 31-35, F
I don't think that is supposed to be left to one person
Nobody00 · F
I would definitely not do all of this cause I couldn’t keep my “head” straight forget “covering” emotions to greet the guests. My sorrow was just too much I do not care who frowns they can go screw themselves. People are not worth worrying about what they think PLUS its them who needs to understand you, not vise versa
REMsleep · 41-45, F
Well you see mainly the bad part of it but I see things differently.
Your loved one dies. You grieve but so do many other people and they all feel alone about it. They want the chance to come together and talk about the deceased and to celebrate their life.
It makes sense that only the closest person will carryout the wishes of the deceased.
Would you really want a stranger to handle everything?
Now most people have friends and family that jump up to help because they know how you are feeling.
Food is normally handled by others as well.
Literally no one expects the living loved one to smile and greet.
Normally they might feel pressure to show others that they are ok by smiling and such but its not an expectation.
@REMsleep all very valid points. I guess I would feel better if I saw that everyone else was grieving...that I could also be myself and not feel judged. The last few funerals I attended I noticed people laughing and carrying on at the reception like it was a high school reunion. Seemed super disrespectful that the immediate family is at their own table trying to keep their shit together to give a good face while everyone else just took advantage of the food and company to have their own mini party. Changed my perspective on funerals.
REMsleep · 41-45, F
@DecafD I'm honestly not trying to just disagree with your POV I swear but laughing is OK.
What if it was your coworker that died and all you guys did was tell dirty jokes?
Its ok to laugh in the corner with your other coworkers. I don't believe that funerals need to be totally sad occasions. You see the very next day might be your own funeral so live each moment and the primary time to show your love and respect to that person was while they were alive anyway.
I don't think that its ok to be rude at funerals or talk crap about the flowers or the dead person but it is ok to laugh with people that you haven't seen in years and may never see again.

Watch this video. Everyone is laughing except one woman.
Perhaps she was just too sad and thats ok too.
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEXIEneoA20]
@REMsleep when you say it like that...that people reminiscing about the deceased could remind them of something joyful and spark a laugh, then I totally understand that. When I witnessed what I did it felt like people had temporarily forgotten that someone had died and that it was a somber occasion.

So that’s what I was really questioning. Why do all this stuff for people that act like they don’t give a damn when you’re the one hurting the most? Like who cares about feeding guests and why are the survivors obligated to do this when it should be the guest bringing food to the family of the deceased? It’s just a lot to take on for ppl just chumming it up when you’re still trying to process everything. I also realize that this is different for everyone. I obviously prefer to grieve privately and process things fully and slowly vs those feeling comfort being around people. I put dealing with my emotions first before accommodating others...and maybe that’s the wrong way to think about all this.

I have seen this video- this makes sense. Not every funeral has to be a gloomy.

 
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