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I Feel Sad Because My Father Died Before I Got to Know Him

My biological father died three years ago. I knew his side of the family. I use to spend my summers with his sister and brother when I was growing up. I think my aunt and uncle were trying to make up for his lack of effort. They use to take me school clothes shopping or buy from my school fundraiser, even though I lived two states away.

The last one I heard from him (which was always sporadic) was the day after my 21st birthday. Of course this was his 44th birthday. He asked me if I was hung over... "No dad, I'm pregnant." This was the last and final time I ever heard from my father.

When he passed, I lost the entire family that shared his blood. My heart hurts and still mourns for the family that my children will never know. I wish I got to know the man my mother loved before he let drugs take over the man he was. Every year I mourn the man I wish he was.
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NewKidInTown · 51-55, M
I am sorry you feel this sadness or sense of loss, but I think the key thought is in your last sentence "I mourn the man I wish he was".
You know he never was the man you wanted him to be, and probably never would have made you completely happy, perhaps always disappointing you and his grandchild. Maybe deep down he knew this.
Potential is only good if it is realised.
MrsCJV · 41-45, F
My last memory of him wasnt that great, but during childhood, he was a good man. And you're right, he would have hurt my children in the end.

Maybe it's in my nature to hope the best for everyone and see only the good in this world.
NewKidInTown · 51-55, M
@MrsCJV: I think a lot of people do that, except the jaded ones. Its human nature to hope for the best, to cling to moments of joy and happiness, and overlook the pain and suffering that came with it.
MrsCJV · 41-45, F
@NewKidInTown: thank you. You totally get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm still pretty jaded.
NewKidInTown · 51-55, M
@MrsCJV: after what you have been through, how could you not be? But your post and the way you write expresses optimism :)