I Have to Keep Things In Perspective

Honestly, this whole month of August was definitely a whirlwind for me.
I’ve been negative as hell as I’ve just been thrown off of my balance. My circle of friends, my studies, my everything - it’s a mess. I feel a little distraught and all over the place. There’s just so many emotions and stress pressuring me from both sides, that I didn’t know what to do. It’s like Hurricane Katrina descended upon my life, wiping out the very foundation of my character.

Taking a closer look, this is probably one of the most biggest conflict I ever had with my boyfriend.
Because it was to do with the 2 people that I cared the most about in an unfamiliar country: my best friend, S and my boyfriend, M. They hated each others’ guts, she was unhappy about his presence in the room and he took it personally. Her requests backfired, he became hostile and blocked her - which she hated him for that. He started being cold to her, she became difficult and I became stuck in a corner trying to keep the peace. They used to be on good terms but it's a thing of the past.

It was just such a mess that I can’t even comprehend. So much tension and inability to work things out left me helpless. Each side thought I was siding with the opposing side. But in reality, I was caught in the middle and was struggling so much. I felt alone in all of this and unable to consult the people who would listen to my problems in a fix; them. My mother was also too busy with her trading workshops that she never had the time to listen to me.

This whole month of prolonged stress has really changed how I am as a person; I’m no longer as happy-go-lucky and optimistic as I used to be. I lacked in character and progress. Where did my core values go? They were pushed out of my consciousness when I was overwhelmed with all that stress. Notably, I bit more than I could chew - I was a full-time student, part of a club’s committee, a unit class representative, taking up 4 units and being a full-time girlfriend to my dearest loved one. I wasn’t assertive enough to say no to any of my friends or him. Perhaps I’m just a doormat to all of them. I’ve tried being fixated on my views in front of him; only to backfire because it was about the roommate he hated so much; that he nearly threw an ultimatum.

Why did things have to turn out this way? Why are they such kids about this? They are so difficult to handle. This whole issue was a toss-up; it’s either I lose him or her. But fortunately, the issue remains as a standstill - where neither of them interact with each other. I think that’s the best way to go about it.

I honestly felt upset when M said that he may not want to see me often, because I was always upset and it made him upset too. Given, I’ve been upset the whole month, and it is mentally draining for him as it is for me. I didn’t intend to ruin his mood when he comes over. It’s just that recently, I felt unstable when my pillars of support came crumbling down. My friends, the lack of interaction with my family (aka. Mum), tension and all that… Just made me feel very insecure in my life. I feel bad that it’s affecting him to the point that it continues to ricochet back to me like a self-fulfilling prophecy; amplifying whatever that I didn’t want to happen.

If I continued being upset and insecure, I wouldn’t be that attractive and cheerful girl that made him fell for me. Despite that, I know that he’ll continue to love me. But if my unattractiveness stretches for a prolonged period of time, he’ll start feeling unhappy and obliged to be around me. Me, being in tune with other people’s emotions and feelings - will feel it. And that will confirm my insecurities; my beliefs that he doesn’t love me as much anymore - making me feel more upset and insecure around him. This will become a constant cycle until he can’t take my toxicity anymore that he breaks up with me. I don’t want that to happen.

Which brings me to a realisation that I should carve out a life for myself.
Personal endeavours that allow me to progress as a person - to build up my confidence and to remove my insecurities. I need time on my own, so that I could find myself. But I haven’t been kind enough to do that. It’s as though my life revolved around him. I need to make a change to work on myself (and get my assignments / revision done), so that I can stand tall and magnificent - in his eyes.

I forgot about me, I only thought about us. I forgot about my friends, I only thought about him.
Make time for other people and commitments, learn how to say no - be assertive and firm about it.
I think that’s the thing that I’m lacking in my life - learning to put myself first instead of being half-assed selfless and selfish.

I need to reorientate myself and in fact, you are a very desirable woman to many people.
You are capable of great things, and know that since day one, you already had everything that you need within yourself. It’s the world that convinced you that you did not - and that’s the greatest lesson you should learn.

Remember:
When you focus on problems, you’ll have more problems.
When you focus on possibilities, you’ll have more opportunities.