I Have Trichotillomania
[c=#000000]]My continuation of my trichotillomania story.... and there is way more to come..( but when I don't know because I need a lot of time to write more)
My Continuation of my Trichotillomania Story: Part 2: Healing Journey…
Out of the darkness into the sun… Breakaway….
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Want to feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jet plane
Faraway
And breakaway
I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging 'round revolvin' doors
Maybe I don't know where they take me
But gotta keep movin' on
Movin' on
Fly away
Breakaway
I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Breakaway
Breakaway
I have wanted to continue my story for some time now and I haven’t really had a decent amount of time to chip away at it, but it has been in my mind. I wasn’t sure how to even begin! But I feel the lyrics of Kelly Clarkson “Breakaway” hold some significance to my Trichotillomania story. I don’t plan on forgetting the place I have come from as that will always make me feel thankful, that I have been brought out of the darkness into the light. It will help me appreciate what hair I have now and keep me humble about my progress. I feel like I am slowly breaking away from who I was, breaking away from being a hair puller and using that as a way to cope. “I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change”. I like that. I feel that when I made the choice to shave my hair (as I did in 2011- mentioned in my first story) that was the beginning of breaking away. THAT was when I truly realized I did not want to continue the way I was going. I had made a choice of taking a step to HELPING myself. It is only when you come to that place, that you can truly be helped and when help can come to you. When you OPEN yourself up to it. I finally came to that place. That I was ready for it. I didn’t know how I was going to go about it, but I was willing to try anything until I found that therapy for me that hit the spot. And it does sometimes take a while.
As mentioned in my previous story, I have tried many things to help but none have really worked…I went to an anxiety unit in 2010, that helped me become aware of thought patterns that led to the hair pulling action and mainly focused on the behavioral part of it. “Cognitive therapy is based on the cognitive model, which states that thoughts, feelings and behavior are all connected, and that individuals can move toward overcoming difficulties and meeting their goals by identifying and changing unhelpful or inaccurate thinking, problematic behavior, and distressing emotional responses. This involves the individual working collaboratively with the therapist to develop skills for testing and modifying beliefs, identifying distorted thinking, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors” ( Wikipedia 2015). I felt that this therapy was too harsh for me, and just upset me more. I needed a therapy more tailored to myself as a person. Other techniques I have tried… Writing down my thoughts, my feelings. ..Mindfulness (listening to it) and practicing it. Also, reading a book- Mind over mood and going through the worksheets in it. To become aware of pulling, then choose to put my hand down. To fiddle my hands with something, like a toy. Even will power, but eventually the hair pulling breaks through that and will power is useless! Because it is something deeper than the conscious mind, it is ingrained into the subconscious mind. Many of these are just temporary things that don’t treat the cause or get to the bottom of it. Then, before I came across this therapy that has hit a spot, I continually shaved my head, as soon as the hairs grew to a pull able length. I made the choice to do something this drastic because my hair was only getting worse and I didn’t see any point in keeping the hair I had when it didn’t have much quality. I just felt it was better if it was all at the one length, then it could all grow together. I started that in June 2011. Doing that, I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere, because it just went in a cycle of hair pulling, shaving, hair pulling… The positive was that the shaving encouraged the hairs to grow and keep strong, but it was doing nothing in stopping / reducing my hair pulling. And, with it shaved to an unpullable length, I would just pull my brows or eyelashes instead because I couldn’t pull my hair as it was too short. The last time I had my hair shaved was before June last year. Since then I haven’t been shaving, I am not going back to that, that is to me, going backwards, because now, I am aiming to and trying to grow my hair. So haircuts it is, with just mainly trimming and working out how best to keep it while I am growing it out. I want it to look reasonably nice and neat even though it is still damaged.
I realize that I could have just settled for accepting that I had a problem and live the rest of my life with it, in confined means and never fully enjoy life because of how it’s limited me in so many ways. But NO! I have thought about it but I find that a really sad ending. I have since found some people like that, their choice is that this is something they’ll have for the rest of their lives and they’re just accepting it. One girl has shaved her head and is living wearing wigs all day, it keeps her from pulling, but it has not fixed and healed what caused her to pull in the first place. I am determined to get to the roots, deal with the cause, heal inside first, then that will become apparent on the outside. I think I have become more aware of how it has affected my life negatively and that, in turn, has made me make such a strong choice to overcome it. I realize it has had positives on my life, insane as that may sound, but it has made me as a person, made me more grown and mature. I have more of a heart for others; I understand similar problems, feel compassion for people like myself and those more worse off. I know that what I have, pales in comparison to what some have to live with. I am really privileged to have come as far as I have. I would like to encourage those with things similar to what I have, don’t be afraid to reach for help, make a change, take a chance, take a risk; you don’t know where it may get you. I believe help is out there for everyone, we just have to reach out, search for it, and come to that place where we truly want it! I have also met many special people because of it and that is people like me (or similar) and wonderful therapists! I have been inspired by others stories and their strong determination to move forward into the light. I have also realized that the inside counts far more than the outer looks, mainly because I haven’t fully had the looks, with damaged hair. This also hasn’t helped me fall in love. I feel a lot have misunderstood and judged me with it. I just believe that someone is out there for me and a very special someone, who’ll accept me for all that I am, all I have been through. Someone who loves me for my inner above the outer. It saddens me that so many are too shallow to see a beautiful inside and that someone who is ugly on the outside can be very attractive inside.
It has been 7 years now, I started when I was 15 and this year I’ll be 22. It only makes me more determined to kick this! Cause I am only getting older and I long to be able to enjoy my BEAUTIFUL LONG HONEY COLOURED HAIR AGAIN! YES! AND EYELASHES! It may take some time still, but it’ll be worth it. I don’t want to be healed when I am starting to go grey, I long to be able to have gorgeous hair when I am still in my 20s. I haven’t had that hair since I was 14!! Hair can be extremely important to us young people, so imagine how it has felt to be without it for so long. It is a part of us really, so now as I am moving forwards, I am slowly peeling back that part of myself that has been covered over. It has only made me withdraw more back into my shell.
I have come so far…and I have realized that it took a lot to get to the place of actually hair pulling and over the years it has damaged my hair considerably, so it will naturally take a while to reverse it. It is deeply ingrained, so it will take possibly the same amount of time I have been pulling to become fully healed. And don’t get me wrong, it is frustrating! But I have GOT to stick at it. I must not give up. It is exceptionally important to keep the goal in view. It is coming 3 years in October this year, since I found a therapy that has made a substantial change into breaking away from my hair pulling. It has given me such hope. And if I have made it this far, I can SURELY make it to the end, to fully stopping. I have come to realize too, that I want and need quality hair before quantity. It is when I have full quality that I will then, grow the quantity out. It makes sense.
Also, I have learnt something about myself since doing this therapy…that I am actually trying to PULL out the PAIN, the feelings that I feel, the negative elements upon my life. I have been trying to release it somehow, yet it has also made me feel worse. I am much worse with stress. Anything that causes emotional pain and stress, I can’t cope very well with. It only excels my hair pulling. I have found that if I have too many stresses in my life and too much on my plate, I just cannot cope. I tried studying and working but I have cut the study away and only work at this stage, because work is stressful enough without the study as well. And unless I find better strategies in coping and a better release of emotions, I cannot pile too much on top of myself. I have a limit of what I can take and I am glad I realize that. I realize I NEED to work on my coping mechanisms much better and find better ways to cope other than pulling. Because that is not coping with the matters, it is just making everything worse for my future. But when you’re pulling, you don’t see that, because you’re in that moment.
I just want to mention, I’d dearly love to be with somebody, I do…and I want to believe that I could cope with it but could that become another stress in itself for me? I don’t want my hair pulling to stop that from ever happening in my life though. I realize I need someone really patient and understanding though who has me in their heart and endeavors to do what they can to support me. Someone to hold my hands, someone I can hug instead of pulling a hair out. I have often day dreamed of that. I respond incredibly to touch, loving touch. Someone to kiss my hair, my head, to encourage me. Someone to listen to me, to hold me when I am crying out my pain. Someone who I can share an incredible love with, a love that goes beyond superficial things, beyond pulling, beyond looks… Will someone see me as this person…loving caring, wanting to give my heart out to people, sweet, romantic…etc.. Or will my hair pulling and many problems just mask all that to them? Who is going to push through and make that effort to see beyond all that? I have wanted that for so long and so many times all this has brought me to tears.
Since October 23rd 2012, I have been going to the same man I have Bowen therapy treatment with, for Hypnosis sessions. I believe that he told one of my family members about it and how he felt that he could help my sister and I with our pulling through hypnosis, something he had only just entered into, doing it alongside his body therapy. So they told us about it. I had a think about it and felt how I really should try it, because if I didn’t I could miss out on any help it could provide to me, if any at all. And plus I was willing to try anything to help because I was and still am so desperate to overcome this. Also, because I am more for natural therapies, this wasn’t a drug or artificial thing, so I was even more silently excited about it! I didn’t want to be too excited in case it didn’t work. Perhaps it’d help if I explained what hypnosis actually is…and what it does… Hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) is a process of inducing a relaxed state of mind in order to treat mainly psychological or emotional disorders.
“Clinical hypnosis deliberately induces this kind of relaxed state of awareness. Once the mind is in a relaxed state, any therapeutic suggestions can have great effect on attitudes, perceptions and behaviours. The way that this occurs isn’t fully understood. Some researchers believe that hypnosis promotes particular brain wave activity that allows the mind to take in and adopt new ideas, while others suggest that hypnosis accesses the ‘unconscious mind’, which is more open to new ideas than the rational ‘conscious mind’. “(Better Health Channel, 2015).
“Suggestions may be taken to heart, but only if those suggestions are acceptable to the hypnotised person”. (Better Health Channel, 2015).
I like the last piece about the suggestions in the script may be taken to heart…BUT only if those suggestions are acceptable to you (basically) - Which has been true for me, because I believe i have taken them to heart and my subconscious mind has truly listened and acted upon them. And that is how I have gotten this far. Its slowly changing the subconscious minds thinking, which in turn will change behaviours etc..
So it will be 3 years this October since I have been doing hypnosis…and it has been the most successful treatment for me so far. It has helped me think differently, reduce my hair pulling…and much I possibly don’t know about! There are times when I feel I have gone backwards and maybe taken too many backward steps, but I think the main thing is, to continue going forwards despite that. To not continue going backwards. One backward step, one forward step. The important thing is that I don’t fully go backwards. Sometimes we have to go backwards a little to be able to go forwards. Once I started work, I wore tie able scarves over my head to cover my pulled hair and basically to be more modest with my condition and because I didn’t want to go about with quite short shaved hair. I wasn’t comfortable, so scarves became my friend. I wanted to wait until it grew out to more of a “normal” length before I took it off. So really, I was hiding my hair under something and also a piece of myself. I felt I looked ugly with it. But I grew used to wearing it and others got used to me wearing it too. So it was a HUGE step and a HUGE effort and took a lot of thought before I made the decision to take it off for good and never turn back. So it was exciting and nerve racking for me really. I had reached a good time with my hair, I was still pulling but it was all covered over, just thinner and not as dense in some patches. July the 13th 2014 was the first time I took my scarf off and since then I have been wearing my hair without a cover over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was then that I made a huge decision and if nothing else, a lot of progress in that one moment! But it took almost 2 years for that to happen. But well worth the wait. So, having my hair constantly on display in public causes me to limit what I pull. I realize there has to be a stopping point, because if I pull it severely, people will notice, so I try desperately to avoid that. I no longer can put a scarf etc. on to hide my damage. I am lucky that my longer, healthier hairs are able to cover the more damaged ones, although I don’t want to be covering anything. I want to come to the stage where I have nothing to hide and nothing to worry about. I still worry, not as much as I used to but I still do about the hairs that stick up and won’t sit down. I wish I had discovered hair spray back at school! I now use a natural one. I think it was best I didn’t tho, because then I wouldn’t have come to where I am now, I could be still stuck with how I used to be. Hair spray helps me wear my hair in public more confidently. I must admit, since I have discarded the scarf, I have opened up a lot more and become more confident as a person. It is amazing what one thing can do. Although, I don’t wish to have to use hair spray for the rest of my life, because it could become a band aid and too much of an unhealthy cover up too. But it is my friend especially outside the house. A downside of pulling and trying to do my hair is the hairs that stick up, so sometimes I get so frustrated, I pull them out. I still battle with not wanting people to notice even them. Since taking off the scarf, I have certainly noticed changes; I now actually have to take time to do my hair, then hair spray it, instead of just whacking on the scarf. I also have become more esteemed about how I look. I no longer feel hate and disgust at my reflection. I love myself and accept myself more (for the right reasons). And I actually have more hope, now more hair is growing. I continue to take photos of my hair every month. That has helped me compare myself to how I was in the past, to how I am now. I also can realize what areas I need to work on.
I still struggle with triggers like stress, sugar, late nights, tiredness and many emotions. My depression doesn’t help either. I am more likely to feel in control when I am balanced and more able to let my hand down. I realize I need to help some of these factors more, like reduce the sugar (which is soo hard), and get to bed earlier. Hormones are a trigger too and trigger emotion which leads to more hair pulled.
I must mention too, that I have tried Access Consciousness also not so long ago, I felt that it was a bit scary in the fact that it drew up a lot of emotions that I’m not exactly ready to deal with yet. . . and I cried a lot…. But I also think it caused me to release with crying, that that was part of it for me. One day, when I am stronger, I hope to try it again. I do believe that part of the healing is dealing with or letting go of emotions that cause me to pull hair. “These life-changing techniques, tools and processes are designed to empower you to create the life you desire. Practical, dynamic, and pragmatic, Access provides step-by-step processes to facilitate you in being more conscious in everyday life and eliminate all the barriers you have put up to receiving”(YouTube, 2015).
Recently, a friend suggested that I get a jar and put all my pulled hairs in it every week and after that week, mark on the jar, the level of hairs and empty it. And aim to keep it below that previous week’s amount of hairs. I had never thought of this before so I thought I might try it! It might actually give me insight into just how many hairs I am actually pulling.
OH! And I am getting really sick of vacuuming my carpet all the time! And the places hairs end up in…
I am SO grateful to all who are accompanying me on my journey and helping/ have helped me…so many I feel that have
My Continuation of my Trichotillomania Story: Part 2: Healing Journey…
Out of the darkness into the sun… Breakaway….
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Want to feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jet plane
Faraway
And breakaway
I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging 'round revolvin' doors
Maybe I don't know where they take me
But gotta keep movin' on
Movin' on
Fly away
Breakaway
I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Breakaway
Breakaway
I have wanted to continue my story for some time now and I haven’t really had a decent amount of time to chip away at it, but it has been in my mind. I wasn’t sure how to even begin! But I feel the lyrics of Kelly Clarkson “Breakaway” hold some significance to my Trichotillomania story. I don’t plan on forgetting the place I have come from as that will always make me feel thankful, that I have been brought out of the darkness into the light. It will help me appreciate what hair I have now and keep me humble about my progress. I feel like I am slowly breaking away from who I was, breaking away from being a hair puller and using that as a way to cope. “I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change”. I like that. I feel that when I made the choice to shave my hair (as I did in 2011- mentioned in my first story) that was the beginning of breaking away. THAT was when I truly realized I did not want to continue the way I was going. I had made a choice of taking a step to HELPING myself. It is only when you come to that place, that you can truly be helped and when help can come to you. When you OPEN yourself up to it. I finally came to that place. That I was ready for it. I didn’t know how I was going to go about it, but I was willing to try anything until I found that therapy for me that hit the spot. And it does sometimes take a while.
As mentioned in my previous story, I have tried many things to help but none have really worked…I went to an anxiety unit in 2010, that helped me become aware of thought patterns that led to the hair pulling action and mainly focused on the behavioral part of it. “Cognitive therapy is based on the cognitive model, which states that thoughts, feelings and behavior are all connected, and that individuals can move toward overcoming difficulties and meeting their goals by identifying and changing unhelpful or inaccurate thinking, problematic behavior, and distressing emotional responses. This involves the individual working collaboratively with the therapist to develop skills for testing and modifying beliefs, identifying distorted thinking, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors” ( Wikipedia 2015). I felt that this therapy was too harsh for me, and just upset me more. I needed a therapy more tailored to myself as a person. Other techniques I have tried… Writing down my thoughts, my feelings. ..Mindfulness (listening to it) and practicing it. Also, reading a book- Mind over mood and going through the worksheets in it. To become aware of pulling, then choose to put my hand down. To fiddle my hands with something, like a toy. Even will power, but eventually the hair pulling breaks through that and will power is useless! Because it is something deeper than the conscious mind, it is ingrained into the subconscious mind. Many of these are just temporary things that don’t treat the cause or get to the bottom of it. Then, before I came across this therapy that has hit a spot, I continually shaved my head, as soon as the hairs grew to a pull able length. I made the choice to do something this drastic because my hair was only getting worse and I didn’t see any point in keeping the hair I had when it didn’t have much quality. I just felt it was better if it was all at the one length, then it could all grow together. I started that in June 2011. Doing that, I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere, because it just went in a cycle of hair pulling, shaving, hair pulling… The positive was that the shaving encouraged the hairs to grow and keep strong, but it was doing nothing in stopping / reducing my hair pulling. And, with it shaved to an unpullable length, I would just pull my brows or eyelashes instead because I couldn’t pull my hair as it was too short. The last time I had my hair shaved was before June last year. Since then I haven’t been shaving, I am not going back to that, that is to me, going backwards, because now, I am aiming to and trying to grow my hair. So haircuts it is, with just mainly trimming and working out how best to keep it while I am growing it out. I want it to look reasonably nice and neat even though it is still damaged.
I realize that I could have just settled for accepting that I had a problem and live the rest of my life with it, in confined means and never fully enjoy life because of how it’s limited me in so many ways. But NO! I have thought about it but I find that a really sad ending. I have since found some people like that, their choice is that this is something they’ll have for the rest of their lives and they’re just accepting it. One girl has shaved her head and is living wearing wigs all day, it keeps her from pulling, but it has not fixed and healed what caused her to pull in the first place. I am determined to get to the roots, deal with the cause, heal inside first, then that will become apparent on the outside. I think I have become more aware of how it has affected my life negatively and that, in turn, has made me make such a strong choice to overcome it. I realize it has had positives on my life, insane as that may sound, but it has made me as a person, made me more grown and mature. I have more of a heart for others; I understand similar problems, feel compassion for people like myself and those more worse off. I know that what I have, pales in comparison to what some have to live with. I am really privileged to have come as far as I have. I would like to encourage those with things similar to what I have, don’t be afraid to reach for help, make a change, take a chance, take a risk; you don’t know where it may get you. I believe help is out there for everyone, we just have to reach out, search for it, and come to that place where we truly want it! I have also met many special people because of it and that is people like me (or similar) and wonderful therapists! I have been inspired by others stories and their strong determination to move forward into the light. I have also realized that the inside counts far more than the outer looks, mainly because I haven’t fully had the looks, with damaged hair. This also hasn’t helped me fall in love. I feel a lot have misunderstood and judged me with it. I just believe that someone is out there for me and a very special someone, who’ll accept me for all that I am, all I have been through. Someone who loves me for my inner above the outer. It saddens me that so many are too shallow to see a beautiful inside and that someone who is ugly on the outside can be very attractive inside.
It has been 7 years now, I started when I was 15 and this year I’ll be 22. It only makes me more determined to kick this! Cause I am only getting older and I long to be able to enjoy my BEAUTIFUL LONG HONEY COLOURED HAIR AGAIN! YES! AND EYELASHES! It may take some time still, but it’ll be worth it. I don’t want to be healed when I am starting to go grey, I long to be able to have gorgeous hair when I am still in my 20s. I haven’t had that hair since I was 14!! Hair can be extremely important to us young people, so imagine how it has felt to be without it for so long. It is a part of us really, so now as I am moving forwards, I am slowly peeling back that part of myself that has been covered over. It has only made me withdraw more back into my shell.
I have come so far…and I have realized that it took a lot to get to the place of actually hair pulling and over the years it has damaged my hair considerably, so it will naturally take a while to reverse it. It is deeply ingrained, so it will take possibly the same amount of time I have been pulling to become fully healed. And don’t get me wrong, it is frustrating! But I have GOT to stick at it. I must not give up. It is exceptionally important to keep the goal in view. It is coming 3 years in October this year, since I found a therapy that has made a substantial change into breaking away from my hair pulling. It has given me such hope. And if I have made it this far, I can SURELY make it to the end, to fully stopping. I have come to realize too, that I want and need quality hair before quantity. It is when I have full quality that I will then, grow the quantity out. It makes sense.
Also, I have learnt something about myself since doing this therapy…that I am actually trying to PULL out the PAIN, the feelings that I feel, the negative elements upon my life. I have been trying to release it somehow, yet it has also made me feel worse. I am much worse with stress. Anything that causes emotional pain and stress, I can’t cope very well with. It only excels my hair pulling. I have found that if I have too many stresses in my life and too much on my plate, I just cannot cope. I tried studying and working but I have cut the study away and only work at this stage, because work is stressful enough without the study as well. And unless I find better strategies in coping and a better release of emotions, I cannot pile too much on top of myself. I have a limit of what I can take and I am glad I realize that. I realize I NEED to work on my coping mechanisms much better and find better ways to cope other than pulling. Because that is not coping with the matters, it is just making everything worse for my future. But when you’re pulling, you don’t see that, because you’re in that moment.
I just want to mention, I’d dearly love to be with somebody, I do…and I want to believe that I could cope with it but could that become another stress in itself for me? I don’t want my hair pulling to stop that from ever happening in my life though. I realize I need someone really patient and understanding though who has me in their heart and endeavors to do what they can to support me. Someone to hold my hands, someone I can hug instead of pulling a hair out. I have often day dreamed of that. I respond incredibly to touch, loving touch. Someone to kiss my hair, my head, to encourage me. Someone to listen to me, to hold me when I am crying out my pain. Someone who I can share an incredible love with, a love that goes beyond superficial things, beyond pulling, beyond looks… Will someone see me as this person…loving caring, wanting to give my heart out to people, sweet, romantic…etc.. Or will my hair pulling and many problems just mask all that to them? Who is going to push through and make that effort to see beyond all that? I have wanted that for so long and so many times all this has brought me to tears.
Since October 23rd 2012, I have been going to the same man I have Bowen therapy treatment with, for Hypnosis sessions. I believe that he told one of my family members about it and how he felt that he could help my sister and I with our pulling through hypnosis, something he had only just entered into, doing it alongside his body therapy. So they told us about it. I had a think about it and felt how I really should try it, because if I didn’t I could miss out on any help it could provide to me, if any at all. And plus I was willing to try anything to help because I was and still am so desperate to overcome this. Also, because I am more for natural therapies, this wasn’t a drug or artificial thing, so I was even more silently excited about it! I didn’t want to be too excited in case it didn’t work. Perhaps it’d help if I explained what hypnosis actually is…and what it does… Hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) is a process of inducing a relaxed state of mind in order to treat mainly psychological or emotional disorders.
“Clinical hypnosis deliberately induces this kind of relaxed state of awareness. Once the mind is in a relaxed state, any therapeutic suggestions can have great effect on attitudes, perceptions and behaviours. The way that this occurs isn’t fully understood. Some researchers believe that hypnosis promotes particular brain wave activity that allows the mind to take in and adopt new ideas, while others suggest that hypnosis accesses the ‘unconscious mind’, which is more open to new ideas than the rational ‘conscious mind’. “(Better Health Channel, 2015).
“Suggestions may be taken to heart, but only if those suggestions are acceptable to the hypnotised person”. (Better Health Channel, 2015).
I like the last piece about the suggestions in the script may be taken to heart…BUT only if those suggestions are acceptable to you (basically) - Which has been true for me, because I believe i have taken them to heart and my subconscious mind has truly listened and acted upon them. And that is how I have gotten this far. Its slowly changing the subconscious minds thinking, which in turn will change behaviours etc..
So it will be 3 years this October since I have been doing hypnosis…and it has been the most successful treatment for me so far. It has helped me think differently, reduce my hair pulling…and much I possibly don’t know about! There are times when I feel I have gone backwards and maybe taken too many backward steps, but I think the main thing is, to continue going forwards despite that. To not continue going backwards. One backward step, one forward step. The important thing is that I don’t fully go backwards. Sometimes we have to go backwards a little to be able to go forwards. Once I started work, I wore tie able scarves over my head to cover my pulled hair and basically to be more modest with my condition and because I didn’t want to go about with quite short shaved hair. I wasn’t comfortable, so scarves became my friend. I wanted to wait until it grew out to more of a “normal” length before I took it off. So really, I was hiding my hair under something and also a piece of myself. I felt I looked ugly with it. But I grew used to wearing it and others got used to me wearing it too. So it was a HUGE step and a HUGE effort and took a lot of thought before I made the decision to take it off for good and never turn back. So it was exciting and nerve racking for me really. I had reached a good time with my hair, I was still pulling but it was all covered over, just thinner and not as dense in some patches. July the 13th 2014 was the first time I took my scarf off and since then I have been wearing my hair without a cover over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was then that I made a huge decision and if nothing else, a lot of progress in that one moment! But it took almost 2 years for that to happen. But well worth the wait. So, having my hair constantly on display in public causes me to limit what I pull. I realize there has to be a stopping point, because if I pull it severely, people will notice, so I try desperately to avoid that. I no longer can put a scarf etc. on to hide my damage. I am lucky that my longer, healthier hairs are able to cover the more damaged ones, although I don’t want to be covering anything. I want to come to the stage where I have nothing to hide and nothing to worry about. I still worry, not as much as I used to but I still do about the hairs that stick up and won’t sit down. I wish I had discovered hair spray back at school! I now use a natural one. I think it was best I didn’t tho, because then I wouldn’t have come to where I am now, I could be still stuck with how I used to be. Hair spray helps me wear my hair in public more confidently. I must admit, since I have discarded the scarf, I have opened up a lot more and become more confident as a person. It is amazing what one thing can do. Although, I don’t wish to have to use hair spray for the rest of my life, because it could become a band aid and too much of an unhealthy cover up too. But it is my friend especially outside the house. A downside of pulling and trying to do my hair is the hairs that stick up, so sometimes I get so frustrated, I pull them out. I still battle with not wanting people to notice even them. Since taking off the scarf, I have certainly noticed changes; I now actually have to take time to do my hair, then hair spray it, instead of just whacking on the scarf. I also have become more esteemed about how I look. I no longer feel hate and disgust at my reflection. I love myself and accept myself more (for the right reasons). And I actually have more hope, now more hair is growing. I continue to take photos of my hair every month. That has helped me compare myself to how I was in the past, to how I am now. I also can realize what areas I need to work on.
I still struggle with triggers like stress, sugar, late nights, tiredness and many emotions. My depression doesn’t help either. I am more likely to feel in control when I am balanced and more able to let my hand down. I realize I need to help some of these factors more, like reduce the sugar (which is soo hard), and get to bed earlier. Hormones are a trigger too and trigger emotion which leads to more hair pulled.
I must mention too, that I have tried Access Consciousness also not so long ago, I felt that it was a bit scary in the fact that it drew up a lot of emotions that I’m not exactly ready to deal with yet. . . and I cried a lot…. But I also think it caused me to release with crying, that that was part of it for me. One day, when I am stronger, I hope to try it again. I do believe that part of the healing is dealing with or letting go of emotions that cause me to pull hair. “These life-changing techniques, tools and processes are designed to empower you to create the life you desire. Practical, dynamic, and pragmatic, Access provides step-by-step processes to facilitate you in being more conscious in everyday life and eliminate all the barriers you have put up to receiving”(YouTube, 2015).
Recently, a friend suggested that I get a jar and put all my pulled hairs in it every week and after that week, mark on the jar, the level of hairs and empty it. And aim to keep it below that previous week’s amount of hairs. I had never thought of this before so I thought I might try it! It might actually give me insight into just how many hairs I am actually pulling.
OH! And I am getting really sick of vacuuming my carpet all the time! And the places hairs end up in…
I am SO grateful to all who are accompanying me on my journey and helping/ have helped me…so many I feel that have
