I Have Trichotillomania
My Trichotillomania story
Not sure how to start this really. It will be all from memory, as I haven’t written it down before.
I of course didn’t realize it then, but when I was 9 I pulled out my eyelashes and then, again when I was in Year 6 at school. Although it was off and on. I think my problem had began then, and that I can trace it back to that time…There was certain things happening in my life then, that contributed to it, I think. I was ganged up upon by some nasty girls when I was 9. They sided with my friend that used to go and tell them stuff about me and sob to them. So they in turn, weren’t nice to me. So maybe that didn’t help. In Year 6, it was a little hard too. Our teacher wasn’t that good and did get to us after a while. So I think, slowly things were mounting up and some years later, I just broke- by pulling hair out. A coping mechanism maybe. Although, not a good one because it has led to many other problems, unfortunately.
Maybe, you could recognize it as an addiction, like smoking, for example. Some people smoke to cope with problems, to help them socialize. Same with drinking. It helps people feel calm and good. Maybe that’s how hair pulling feels for me. Sometimes I can’t explain it very good, of how it is to me. I am just trying to explain it a bit for those who have no idea what it is like, who don’t have the problem themselves. The more you practice something/keep doing something, the harder it gets to stop, and that is what it is like for me. It is not an easy thing to stop, because I use it to cope with things in life and many issues, feelings and problems are linked to it , that need to be dealt with before I can improve.
I started when I was 15, in 2008, (although I did pull eyelashes when I was younger, as I told you) pulling out my hair. That was when I was in Year 9 at school. Looking back, I can see how the pressures mounted up and that how I was treated and feeling back then, brought this problem on. Although, my sister too was pulling and still is and I think I copied her maybe. I can’t be sure, but that might be what has happened. Maybe I could see that what she was doing was helping her, so I decided to take it up to help me cope. I don’t really know. Imagine this: I had really thick, beautiful long, honey coloured hair. And now, it is sooo different. I long to have it back again one day. Although, if I pull it out and pull it out, it may be damaged forever and I may never get my lovely hair back. Pulling it out, damages the root, and so that means it has to keep repairing itself.
Anyhow, what was going on at school? Well I had always found it hard at school, and especially to make friends. That was because people could see I was different. I wore skirts, had my hair up (when I had hair), didn’t do things everyone else did- like watch TV, go on camps, wear pants. They’re not part of my way of life. We don’t think of it as a religion, as it is different to what religion means. We try to follow the teachings of Jesus in the bible. We don’t have a name- although you could say we are Christians. So, for this I was despised and rejected by other students and not many people wanted to befriend me. My first friend at school, became my best friend, and was from the start of school to year 7. Then that was it really. She became in a group of friends, when kids from other schools (that only went up to year 7- not year 12, like us) came to our school to finish school (year 8 to 12). I wasn’t really accepted into that group, although I did join into it because of my best friend (that became just my friend after that). I tried to fit in but it was an extreme pressure and very difficult. I cried a lot at home during that time. Then, in year 9, I had, had enough. I couldn’t bear it any longer, so I told one of the members of the group (all girls), that I didn’t want to be part of their group any more. But I would still speak to them and be a friend, just wouldn’t hang out with them. So hung out on my own after that. It was lonely, but I survived. I found other people who were despised too, although in a different way. They weren’t popular. They came and went though, in our school. They didn’t stay long. I did sort of befriend them a bit, and talk to them. We were in the same boat. I still remained on my own though, I didn’t go into any other groups, it wasn’t worth it, when I knew I would be treated the same, by everyone, except for the down and outs, that were looked down upon. It was a small school, only about 200 students, so everyone knew each other, so that was hard in a way. In year 10, a really nice girl came to our school, and she had been through a lot in her life and knew what it was like to be alone. She firstly, befriended the group I used to be in, but when she saw me alone, she came over to me and talked to me and became my friend. We hung out together all the time and it felt good to have such a lovely friend and someone that liked me for who I was. We had good times, I will always remember her. She isn’t my friend anymore; I have no contact with her. She moved away before year 12, and since then, we became more distant and she found new friends where she moved and I was set aside. When she became friends with me, others started to treat her not too well. And, I wonder to this day, whether it was because she chose to become my friend. I really found it hard when she left, as I was back to being by myself again. I wasn’t used to that, after a year or so of friendship with her. I really wanted to go through year 12 with her; it would have been more fun. I went through it mostly alone, until I became friends with an African girl (black). Everyone didn’t like her and despised her too. (Probably because she was black and because she could be an individual). She is still my friend and a great one. I went though year 12 with her. But friends came and went before then, so off and on I was alone. They would move on, eventually to another school. But, mostly I was alone.
Back to my hair pulling. I was pulling hair all through that time, which I was talking about. Maybe that didn’t help with making friends either, unfortunately. Everyone was so used to me having thick hair and when it became thinner and thinner, they did question me about it and I didn’t want to tell the truth. Telling the truth is hard. I just said- I had it thinned out. They weren’t really satisfied with that though. They probably knew I was lying. My hair got harder to do too. I had bald spots forming and that made it hard to know what hairstyle to put it on. I started to look ugly. Some could probably notice something was going on. I hid it really well though, but that was a strain in itself too. I had to go to the toilets a lot, to keep checking it throughout the school day. I didn’t pull at school, I only pull at home. The weather would affect my hair too. If it rained, was windy, it was bad news for me. I had to make sure no bald spots were showing, or prickles showing through, that’s why I checked it in the mirror a lot at school. People wondered why I went to the toilets a lot though. And when other people came in, I had to pretend I was washing or drying my hands as I didn’t want people to know what I was truly doing and them to focus on my hair. I didn’t tell my friends, and they don’t know to this day. I have told one person though, that used to be a friend, but isn’t in contact with me anymore. I can’t trust most people. The worry of my hair, made me pull too. I was never accepted into class groups either. When the teacher said, get into groups, I was left out and no one wanted me. Same with picking teams for P.E, it was the same, and no one wanted to pick me.
In 2010, someone found an anxiety unit and suggested it to my sister and I. So we got referred to it. I started seeing this lovely woman who dealt with other people like me and she was wonderful, listened to my story and everything I told her. She was a support. I started writing an emotion diary and she helped me become aware of my problem and they would in turn, help me stop, and think about what I was doing. She focused on the causes. I have come along way since seeing her, but I haven’t been to her for months now, so I have gone downhill a little since then. And, that sense of support isn’t there. My family sort of has their own problems, so I don’t have much support from them and my problem doesn’t help them. Then, their problems don’t help me. So it’s a cycle. My aunt thinks I should be on a drug that would help my problem. She thinks it is the only answer. But I don’t want that. I want to be healed without that, which could only cause more problems, who knows. That doesn’t treat the cause, as far as I am concerned. Thoughts are probably at the bottom of my problem too, as they turn into feelings which can cause me to pull. Sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, just to name a few, cause me to pull. Stress, too. In year 12, it was HIGH stress and so whenever I did homework, thousands of hairs were pulled out. I was sacrificing hairs to do my schoolwork. I didn’t want too, but sometimes I feel I have no control over or power over my hair pulling. It was a coping thing, and still is. I have to find something else, other than it. I have low confidence and low self esteem because of it. Writing this, I am pulling too. Not that I want too. Please don’t think I want to pull, because I don’t. I wish I could stop. It has ruined my years. When I was 18 I should have been happier, instead of miserable. I feel like some years of my life weren’t spent like they could have been, because of my condition. Some occasions, that I should have been able to enjoy, I couldn’t because of my problem. It has stopped me from swimming too and other things. I don’t want the rest of my years being like that. I want to be free from this problem and all it causes me. I have tried many things that my treatment person has suggested to me. - Writing down my thoughts, my feelings. Mindfulness (listening to it) and practicing it. Also, reading a book- Mind over mood and going through the worksheets in it. To become aware of pulling, then choose to put my hand down. To fiddle my hands with something, like a toy. And there is probably too many to list. Some don’t work and if I don’t pursue them enough, they won’t work. It is hard to stop something when you have been doing it for 4 years and start doing something else instead, if you can understand that. There was only so much my treatment person could do to help me. If I didn’t apply the tools she suggested, nothing would improve. My help and improvement and overcoming of this problem is up to me, when all said and done. Can I say that it has taught me many things and actually opened me up to true friends. Through a mindfulness group I went to I made some friends and it’s really great to share with others and try to help each other. I have met other hair pullers and it was so special to know, that I am not alone with my problem and that if others can overcome it, then I can too. This problem has taught me to be compassionate to others and not to despise others, with their own disabilities and conditions. It has taught me to be a nicer person, I am sure. (Although I don’t want to brag). It has taught me things I would never have known, had I not suffered with this condition. I know what it is like to be alone, to be looked down upon, to be despised and bullied (verbal).
Now, I am different to what I used to be when I first started pulling. I now have short hair. My treatment person suggested shaving my hair, and I had thought of it myself. So about a year ago, I had it shaved for the first time. It was a big step for me and pretty hard to deal with. At school, I had to wear a beanie like hat to cover my head, and even when it grew back I still had to wear it, because I started pulling again. While it was shaved short, I couldn’t. But once it grew a bit, I could. Through the summer at school, I wore the hat too and it was SO hot, but I survived. There are just some things that you just seem to survive with absolute determination. I probably looked like I had cancer, maybe. People probably just thought all things. The reason why I didn’t tell anyone was because not everyone understands about it, not unless they have been through it or something similar. Or got problems themselves maybe. Some people just say- why can’t you just snap out of it or why can’t you just stop? They simply have no idea. I pull my eyelashes a bit still too and I used to with my eyebrows, but I don’t worry so much about them these days. I look quite ugly without eyelashes and would love full grown ones again. When I had my hair shaved, I pulled them instead. I am trying to grow them now though. Sometimes I long to be able to put my hair in a ponytail or a plait. That seems very far away. And it takes a long time for hair to grow long. A couple of years. So after that shave, after my hair grew pull able again, I had a level up, because some pieces were longer than each other and I needed it to grow together. It grew again and I pulled it out still, it didn’t make any difference. So I had it shaved to really short, so I looked like a cancer patient. That was February this year. I looked horrible! So that was my last shave and I really don’t want anymore because I feel I get further and further away from my goals every time my hair is shaved. But as I keep pulling and damaging my hair, it is the same thing though. Shaving doesn’t damage like pulling does. It helps the hair grow thicker and healthier. It has been growing pretty well since that last real short shave though. Up till early June. Because now at the middle of June, I am making bald patches again. I was pulling from different areas before to avoid bald patches but now I have a bald patch either side, forming. I don’t know what to do now. It makes me frustrated again and helpless. I don’t let other people other than my family see my head, only the front of my hair, where there is good hair growing, can people see, as the rest has a sort of scarf on it. I wear it to work too, but one day; I hope to go to work without it, when I have a layer of thick hair all over my hair. I want to look better for work as it isn’t a good mark. I just get sick of having to wear something on my head whenever I go out of the house. People stare too, and that is something I will never like/ get used to. I hate it. People can be so rude. Take a picture, it lasts longer, I sometimes think!
Some things I have tried to do lately are:
-Form a sticker chart, for everyday I don’t pull, I put a sticker up to reward myself. So far I only have one day up, and that was a while ago now.
-Tried to do other things with my hands.
-Brush my hair, instead. It also gets the circulation up, which can help my hair.
If you are a hair puller yourself, you can ask me questions if you like and I will try to help you and give ideas to help you overcome your problem too. I want to help others. You’re not alone.
My story doesn’t stop here, I will probably keep adding to it…
Thanks for reading my story. Hope it helps you understand me better and have an insight into this condition. (If you don’t already know about it) Feel free to ask questions, suggest ideas or help me. Will be appreciated.
Not sure how to start this really. It will be all from memory, as I haven’t written it down before.
I of course didn’t realize it then, but when I was 9 I pulled out my eyelashes and then, again when I was in Year 6 at school. Although it was off and on. I think my problem had began then, and that I can trace it back to that time…There was certain things happening in my life then, that contributed to it, I think. I was ganged up upon by some nasty girls when I was 9. They sided with my friend that used to go and tell them stuff about me and sob to them. So they in turn, weren’t nice to me. So maybe that didn’t help. In Year 6, it was a little hard too. Our teacher wasn’t that good and did get to us after a while. So I think, slowly things were mounting up and some years later, I just broke- by pulling hair out. A coping mechanism maybe. Although, not a good one because it has led to many other problems, unfortunately.
Maybe, you could recognize it as an addiction, like smoking, for example. Some people smoke to cope with problems, to help them socialize. Same with drinking. It helps people feel calm and good. Maybe that’s how hair pulling feels for me. Sometimes I can’t explain it very good, of how it is to me. I am just trying to explain it a bit for those who have no idea what it is like, who don’t have the problem themselves. The more you practice something/keep doing something, the harder it gets to stop, and that is what it is like for me. It is not an easy thing to stop, because I use it to cope with things in life and many issues, feelings and problems are linked to it , that need to be dealt with before I can improve.
I started when I was 15, in 2008, (although I did pull eyelashes when I was younger, as I told you) pulling out my hair. That was when I was in Year 9 at school. Looking back, I can see how the pressures mounted up and that how I was treated and feeling back then, brought this problem on. Although, my sister too was pulling and still is and I think I copied her maybe. I can’t be sure, but that might be what has happened. Maybe I could see that what she was doing was helping her, so I decided to take it up to help me cope. I don’t really know. Imagine this: I had really thick, beautiful long, honey coloured hair. And now, it is sooo different. I long to have it back again one day. Although, if I pull it out and pull it out, it may be damaged forever and I may never get my lovely hair back. Pulling it out, damages the root, and so that means it has to keep repairing itself.
Anyhow, what was going on at school? Well I had always found it hard at school, and especially to make friends. That was because people could see I was different. I wore skirts, had my hair up (when I had hair), didn’t do things everyone else did- like watch TV, go on camps, wear pants. They’re not part of my way of life. We don’t think of it as a religion, as it is different to what religion means. We try to follow the teachings of Jesus in the bible. We don’t have a name- although you could say we are Christians. So, for this I was despised and rejected by other students and not many people wanted to befriend me. My first friend at school, became my best friend, and was from the start of school to year 7. Then that was it really. She became in a group of friends, when kids from other schools (that only went up to year 7- not year 12, like us) came to our school to finish school (year 8 to 12). I wasn’t really accepted into that group, although I did join into it because of my best friend (that became just my friend after that). I tried to fit in but it was an extreme pressure and very difficult. I cried a lot at home during that time. Then, in year 9, I had, had enough. I couldn’t bear it any longer, so I told one of the members of the group (all girls), that I didn’t want to be part of their group any more. But I would still speak to them and be a friend, just wouldn’t hang out with them. So hung out on my own after that. It was lonely, but I survived. I found other people who were despised too, although in a different way. They weren’t popular. They came and went though, in our school. They didn’t stay long. I did sort of befriend them a bit, and talk to them. We were in the same boat. I still remained on my own though, I didn’t go into any other groups, it wasn’t worth it, when I knew I would be treated the same, by everyone, except for the down and outs, that were looked down upon. It was a small school, only about 200 students, so everyone knew each other, so that was hard in a way. In year 10, a really nice girl came to our school, and she had been through a lot in her life and knew what it was like to be alone. She firstly, befriended the group I used to be in, but when she saw me alone, she came over to me and talked to me and became my friend. We hung out together all the time and it felt good to have such a lovely friend and someone that liked me for who I was. We had good times, I will always remember her. She isn’t my friend anymore; I have no contact with her. She moved away before year 12, and since then, we became more distant and she found new friends where she moved and I was set aside. When she became friends with me, others started to treat her not too well. And, I wonder to this day, whether it was because she chose to become my friend. I really found it hard when she left, as I was back to being by myself again. I wasn’t used to that, after a year or so of friendship with her. I really wanted to go through year 12 with her; it would have been more fun. I went through it mostly alone, until I became friends with an African girl (black). Everyone didn’t like her and despised her too. (Probably because she was black and because she could be an individual). She is still my friend and a great one. I went though year 12 with her. But friends came and went before then, so off and on I was alone. They would move on, eventually to another school. But, mostly I was alone.
Back to my hair pulling. I was pulling hair all through that time, which I was talking about. Maybe that didn’t help with making friends either, unfortunately. Everyone was so used to me having thick hair and when it became thinner and thinner, they did question me about it and I didn’t want to tell the truth. Telling the truth is hard. I just said- I had it thinned out. They weren’t really satisfied with that though. They probably knew I was lying. My hair got harder to do too. I had bald spots forming and that made it hard to know what hairstyle to put it on. I started to look ugly. Some could probably notice something was going on. I hid it really well though, but that was a strain in itself too. I had to go to the toilets a lot, to keep checking it throughout the school day. I didn’t pull at school, I only pull at home. The weather would affect my hair too. If it rained, was windy, it was bad news for me. I had to make sure no bald spots were showing, or prickles showing through, that’s why I checked it in the mirror a lot at school. People wondered why I went to the toilets a lot though. And when other people came in, I had to pretend I was washing or drying my hands as I didn’t want people to know what I was truly doing and them to focus on my hair. I didn’t tell my friends, and they don’t know to this day. I have told one person though, that used to be a friend, but isn’t in contact with me anymore. I can’t trust most people. The worry of my hair, made me pull too. I was never accepted into class groups either. When the teacher said, get into groups, I was left out and no one wanted me. Same with picking teams for P.E, it was the same, and no one wanted to pick me.
In 2010, someone found an anxiety unit and suggested it to my sister and I. So we got referred to it. I started seeing this lovely woman who dealt with other people like me and she was wonderful, listened to my story and everything I told her. She was a support. I started writing an emotion diary and she helped me become aware of my problem and they would in turn, help me stop, and think about what I was doing. She focused on the causes. I have come along way since seeing her, but I haven’t been to her for months now, so I have gone downhill a little since then. And, that sense of support isn’t there. My family sort of has their own problems, so I don’t have much support from them and my problem doesn’t help them. Then, their problems don’t help me. So it’s a cycle. My aunt thinks I should be on a drug that would help my problem. She thinks it is the only answer. But I don’t want that. I want to be healed without that, which could only cause more problems, who knows. That doesn’t treat the cause, as far as I am concerned. Thoughts are probably at the bottom of my problem too, as they turn into feelings which can cause me to pull. Sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, just to name a few, cause me to pull. Stress, too. In year 12, it was HIGH stress and so whenever I did homework, thousands of hairs were pulled out. I was sacrificing hairs to do my schoolwork. I didn’t want too, but sometimes I feel I have no control over or power over my hair pulling. It was a coping thing, and still is. I have to find something else, other than it. I have low confidence and low self esteem because of it. Writing this, I am pulling too. Not that I want too. Please don’t think I want to pull, because I don’t. I wish I could stop. It has ruined my years. When I was 18 I should have been happier, instead of miserable. I feel like some years of my life weren’t spent like they could have been, because of my condition. Some occasions, that I should have been able to enjoy, I couldn’t because of my problem. It has stopped me from swimming too and other things. I don’t want the rest of my years being like that. I want to be free from this problem and all it causes me. I have tried many things that my treatment person has suggested to me. - Writing down my thoughts, my feelings. Mindfulness (listening to it) and practicing it. Also, reading a book- Mind over mood and going through the worksheets in it. To become aware of pulling, then choose to put my hand down. To fiddle my hands with something, like a toy. And there is probably too many to list. Some don’t work and if I don’t pursue them enough, they won’t work. It is hard to stop something when you have been doing it for 4 years and start doing something else instead, if you can understand that. There was only so much my treatment person could do to help me. If I didn’t apply the tools she suggested, nothing would improve. My help and improvement and overcoming of this problem is up to me, when all said and done. Can I say that it has taught me many things and actually opened me up to true friends. Through a mindfulness group I went to I made some friends and it’s really great to share with others and try to help each other. I have met other hair pullers and it was so special to know, that I am not alone with my problem and that if others can overcome it, then I can too. This problem has taught me to be compassionate to others and not to despise others, with their own disabilities and conditions. It has taught me to be a nicer person, I am sure. (Although I don’t want to brag). It has taught me things I would never have known, had I not suffered with this condition. I know what it is like to be alone, to be looked down upon, to be despised and bullied (verbal).
Now, I am different to what I used to be when I first started pulling. I now have short hair. My treatment person suggested shaving my hair, and I had thought of it myself. So about a year ago, I had it shaved for the first time. It was a big step for me and pretty hard to deal with. At school, I had to wear a beanie like hat to cover my head, and even when it grew back I still had to wear it, because I started pulling again. While it was shaved short, I couldn’t. But once it grew a bit, I could. Through the summer at school, I wore the hat too and it was SO hot, but I survived. There are just some things that you just seem to survive with absolute determination. I probably looked like I had cancer, maybe. People probably just thought all things. The reason why I didn’t tell anyone was because not everyone understands about it, not unless they have been through it or something similar. Or got problems themselves maybe. Some people just say- why can’t you just snap out of it or why can’t you just stop? They simply have no idea. I pull my eyelashes a bit still too and I used to with my eyebrows, but I don’t worry so much about them these days. I look quite ugly without eyelashes and would love full grown ones again. When I had my hair shaved, I pulled them instead. I am trying to grow them now though. Sometimes I long to be able to put my hair in a ponytail or a plait. That seems very far away. And it takes a long time for hair to grow long. A couple of years. So after that shave, after my hair grew pull able again, I had a level up, because some pieces were longer than each other and I needed it to grow together. It grew again and I pulled it out still, it didn’t make any difference. So I had it shaved to really short, so I looked like a cancer patient. That was February this year. I looked horrible! So that was my last shave and I really don’t want anymore because I feel I get further and further away from my goals every time my hair is shaved. But as I keep pulling and damaging my hair, it is the same thing though. Shaving doesn’t damage like pulling does. It helps the hair grow thicker and healthier. It has been growing pretty well since that last real short shave though. Up till early June. Because now at the middle of June, I am making bald patches again. I was pulling from different areas before to avoid bald patches but now I have a bald patch either side, forming. I don’t know what to do now. It makes me frustrated again and helpless. I don’t let other people other than my family see my head, only the front of my hair, where there is good hair growing, can people see, as the rest has a sort of scarf on it. I wear it to work too, but one day; I hope to go to work without it, when I have a layer of thick hair all over my hair. I want to look better for work as it isn’t a good mark. I just get sick of having to wear something on my head whenever I go out of the house. People stare too, and that is something I will never like/ get used to. I hate it. People can be so rude. Take a picture, it lasts longer, I sometimes think!
Some things I have tried to do lately are:
-Form a sticker chart, for everyday I don’t pull, I put a sticker up to reward myself. So far I only have one day up, and that was a while ago now.
-Tried to do other things with my hands.
-Brush my hair, instead. It also gets the circulation up, which can help my hair.
If you are a hair puller yourself, you can ask me questions if you like and I will try to help you and give ideas to help you overcome your problem too. I want to help others. You’re not alone.
My story doesn’t stop here, I will probably keep adding to it…
Thanks for reading my story. Hope it helps you understand me better and have an insight into this condition. (If you don’t already know about it) Feel free to ask questions, suggest ideas or help me. Will be appreciated.
