I Am a Recluse

I’m not. But sometimes the feeling of wanting to just leave everything behind to live alone somewhere, especially in the wilderness, is so overwhelmingly powerful I don’t know how I haven’t yet. There’s something in me that makes me feel this way a lot and I don’t know what it is. I love everyone i’m close to so much, I would die for any of them and they know it, but there is something so deeply enticing about solitude to me that I can’t put into words. By nature i’m an extreme introvert but that it isn’t the source. I’ve thought for years why I would feel this way but i’ve never come to any logical conclusions.I deal with depression daily and have dealt with it for as long as I can remember but, bafflingly enough I don’t believe that is the source of this desire either. I’m insecure about this particular part of myself to even post this but, I know I can’t be the only one who feels this emotion/desire/thought whatever it is. Through the years when i’ve had time to be out in the woods and forests camping by myself, hiking or hanging out with friends and family, it was during those times I felt the most at peace. Ever. In my entire life. There is something so freeing about nature, about being surrounded with so much beauty, so much tranquility, so much life, and above all uncertainty. During those times I could reflect without worrying about what life could bring the next day, or the next week. There was nothing but me and those moments. A feeling so profound I can hardly express it. The joy of life for so many is sharing it with others, but i’m beginning to believe that some of us are very different, and I might be one of them. Not better, or more special in any way, but.. just different. I’m slowly becoming ok with this. I don’t fully understand it, but maybe one day I will fully realize what it means to be this way. I don’t believe we are who we are by chance. I’m convinced every desire within our hearts is there for a reason. Those reasons can only be known to you. And to find them you must pursue them with your whole heart, like searching for buried treasure.