I Act Cold But I Have a Lot of Love and Compassion In My Heart
I apologize if I come off a bit cold and distant....bland and indifferent....harsh and heartless. I apologize if my words or actions (or a lack of them) hurt you. I know that I am not an easy person to contend with at times. You could give it your all and at some point I would still shutdown and back away for a while, morphing back into my protective shell of silence and distance, waiting for what I figure will turn out to be the inevitable: you giving up on me, leaving and moving on. I would completely understand, and not expect for you to understand my often strange conflicting words and behaviors.
Despite popular theory, I do not go out of my way to be this way. It has simply become a habit, a learned behavior to protect myself, my heart. There are so many twisted people in this world who seem to get off on hurting and damaging others, tearing their hearts to shreds and leaving them to pick up the pieces alone while they live "happily ever after."
After many hurts, betrayals and ultimate abandonment, I have learned that in this world, I must protect myself at all costs: my heart, my feelings, my everything. There are only oh so many times you can pick back up and start over again after being broken so many times.
But if you can, please understand, I am not trying to hurt you. Despite everything I've been through over the years, I still have a bit of softness in my heart towards others. And you. I am not evil, I am not cold-hearted, I am not merciless. I am simply a little girl in a grown woman's body trying to find her way in life without constantly being broken down and made to feel less than everyone else. It's a tight-rope walk and some days are much easier than others, but it's all a journey, and on this journey, I must be careful of who I trust, what I say and whom to, and who I become close to. Not just for my own well-being but also for others because yes, I do indeed have my own flaws and issues to work through, and the last thing I ever want to do is make anyone feel as I've been made to feel by other people.
No, I don't hate you, quite the opposite, and I'll leave it at that. I don't know how you feel about it all or if it even matters because you're never quite direct with me. In any case, it probably doesn't matter to you, and that is also understandable considering the past.
Just please, don't hurt me. Don't deepen the pain and sadness I'm already suffering through. I don't want to keep going through this for the rest of my life. I just want to be happy, free and at peace. And I wish the same for you.
Despite popular theory, I do not go out of my way to be this way. It has simply become a habit, a learned behavior to protect myself, my heart. There are so many twisted people in this world who seem to get off on hurting and damaging others, tearing their hearts to shreds and leaving them to pick up the pieces alone while they live "happily ever after."
After many hurts, betrayals and ultimate abandonment, I have learned that in this world, I must protect myself at all costs: my heart, my feelings, my everything. There are only oh so many times you can pick back up and start over again after being broken so many times.
But if you can, please understand, I am not trying to hurt you. Despite everything I've been through over the years, I still have a bit of softness in my heart towards others. And you. I am not evil, I am not cold-hearted, I am not merciless. I am simply a little girl in a grown woman's body trying to find her way in life without constantly being broken down and made to feel less than everyone else. It's a tight-rope walk and some days are much easier than others, but it's all a journey, and on this journey, I must be careful of who I trust, what I say and whom to, and who I become close to. Not just for my own well-being but also for others because yes, I do indeed have my own flaws and issues to work through, and the last thing I ever want to do is make anyone feel as I've been made to feel by other people.
No, I don't hate you, quite the opposite, and I'll leave it at that. I don't know how you feel about it all or if it even matters because you're never quite direct with me. In any case, it probably doesn't matter to you, and that is also understandable considering the past.
Just please, don't hurt me. Don't deepen the pain and sadness I'm already suffering through. I don't want to keep going through this for the rest of my life. I just want to be happy, free and at peace. And I wish the same for you.
31-35, F
