I Have Experienced Loss
Listening to the Heart
I didn’t think that the loss of my father would hit me so hard. Especially today, his birthday. When he and my mother split up, it was difficult to take, but I understood. They were having problems with his drinking and verbal abuse. It was hard on all of us. My sisters at the time were still very young and didn’t quite know what was going on.
I had the closest relationship with him, but as the years went on, he faded away into his own cave . He ended up living in a very small community that pretty much hid from the rest of the world, taking care of each other as family. I’m glad he had that and wasn’t totally alone.
For the last couple of years, I knew he was sick, and he wouldn’t be here for too much longer. I tried to write him letters, but never heard back. I’m not sure if he even received my letters, but my mother said she was told that I was spoken of to others in that group, which made me smile while the tears ran.
A few days ago, I received a package with his ashes. Something I had asked for, as I want to spread them out to sea at a special location where I go to meditate. Being that I was expecting them, I thought I’d be okay, but I broke. The last few days have been very difficult for me. I have been hiding in my own personal shell. A friend told me that I didn’t have to go spread his ashes right away, to wait until I knew I was ready.
Something only my heart can tell me.
I didn’t think that the loss of my father would hit me so hard. Especially today, his birthday. When he and my mother split up, it was difficult to take, but I understood. They were having problems with his drinking and verbal abuse. It was hard on all of us. My sisters at the time were still very young and didn’t quite know what was going on.
I had the closest relationship with him, but as the years went on, he faded away into his own cave . He ended up living in a very small community that pretty much hid from the rest of the world, taking care of each other as family. I’m glad he had that and wasn’t totally alone.
For the last couple of years, I knew he was sick, and he wouldn’t be here for too much longer. I tried to write him letters, but never heard back. I’m not sure if he even received my letters, but my mother said she was told that I was spoken of to others in that group, which made me smile while the tears ran.
A few days ago, I received a package with his ashes. Something I had asked for, as I want to spread them out to sea at a special location where I go to meditate. Being that I was expecting them, I thought I’d be okay, but I broke. The last few days have been very difficult for me. I have been hiding in my own personal shell. A friend told me that I didn’t have to go spread his ashes right away, to wait until I knew I was ready.
Something only my heart can tell me.
