I Am Not Close With My Father
When I was 7, my parents were divorced. It was a bitter divorce. A few months later, my father pulled me aside and told me that he was no longer my father. Of course I now realize he had just lost a custody battle, but to my 7 r 8 year old mind, I had done something bad. I wanted my dad in my life, so I worked hard and my motivation to prove myself worthy did pay some huge dividends in my life. As I got older, I developed anger and bitterness that I didn't even recognize. Outwardly I never blamed my dad, but those feelings simmered for years and challenged me in ways both helpful and hurtful.
The last time I saw my dad was when I was 15. 25 years later, I received a call from his aunt that he had died of a heart attack. It hit me really hard. I was the only one in my family to go to his funeral and I remember arriving and sitting with my great aunt near the back of the funeral home. Afterwards, I went up to the casket as everyone else went out and I couldn't help just standing there and crying (I don't cry). I don't even know why for sure, but I couldn't help it. I realized I was actually holding up the funeral and so I left. I worked through that and felt like I had forgiven my dad, but if I'm honest with myself I still haven't. Since I speak to a lot of people and groups about forgiveness, this makes me a hypocrite and it's hard to come to grips with that.
Recently, I have been praying about this and am focused on coming to that place. My life is good and I don't regret anything.. the challenges of feeling abandoned made me a more committed father and I am more successful because of the need to prove myself. Even so, I want to put this to rest.
The last time I saw my dad was when I was 15. 25 years later, I received a call from his aunt that he had died of a heart attack. It hit me really hard. I was the only one in my family to go to his funeral and I remember arriving and sitting with my great aunt near the back of the funeral home. Afterwards, I went up to the casket as everyone else went out and I couldn't help just standing there and crying (I don't cry). I don't even know why for sure, but I couldn't help it. I realized I was actually holding up the funeral and so I left. I worked through that and felt like I had forgiven my dad, but if I'm honest with myself I still haven't. Since I speak to a lot of people and groups about forgiveness, this makes me a hypocrite and it's hard to come to grips with that.
Recently, I have been praying about this and am focused on coming to that place. My life is good and I don't regret anything.. the challenges of feeling abandoned made me a more committed father and I am more successful because of the need to prove myself. Even so, I want to put this to rest.
61-69, M
