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I Am a Nobody

and you went to kindergarten and in kindergarten, the idea was to
push along so to get into first grade and then push along so that you could get into
second-grade,third grade and so on, going up and up. And then you went to high school and this
was a great transition in life
and now the pressure is being put on you must get ahead you must go up the grades
and finally be good enough to get to college.
And then when you get to college, you're still going step by step, step by step,
up to the great moment in which you're ready to go out into the world.
And then when you get out into this famous world... Comes...
the struggle for success in profession or business
and again there seems to be a ladder before you something for which are reaching all the time.
And then...
Suddenly when are about forty or forty-five years old in the middle life
you wake up one day and say.. Huh? I've arrived, and by Joe I feel
pretty much the same as I've always felt, in fact I'm not so sure that I don't
feel a little bit cheated.
Because you see you were fooled you always living
for somewhere where you aren't.
And while as I said it is of tremendous use for us,
to be able look ahead in this way and to plan.
There is no use planning for a future which when you get to it and it becomes
a present, you won't be there
you'll be living in some other future which hasn't yet arrived.
And so in this way one is never able actually to inherit
and enjoy the fruits of ones actions..
You can't live at all..
Unless you can live fully,
Now.

- Alan Watts, Live fully now

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justbeit

I relate to this post. I always felt cheated, because I thought I would be "done" with things, and it seems someone keeps moving the "prize" further down the road of life. That feeling of accomplishment doesn't last very long when you complete school, or a milestone. People (teachers, bosses, wives, children) just expect more. There is no getting around that.

We can't just "be", for we will wilt and die, or be homeless. If someone tries to attack us, as an individual or a nation, we must defend ourselves. We can't just meditate on it. At some point, we have to create our own life doctrine and philosophy to live by, because nobody has all the answers, all the time.

If I have a fault, it is that I have sacrificed a piece of my own happiness for my children. The last one just turned 18, and will graduate high school in June. I have been waiting for that time to claim my freedom. I am the kind of person who is happy spending a lot of my time alone. It doesn't mean I don't like people. I do. I just know I am very different from 99% of the people. I've always felt a little different, and several years ago my suspicions were confirmed when I learned that my Myers Briggs personality type of INFJ is very rare. I had taken the test twice over the years, and I tested the same both times, but I wasn’t aware that my type was that rare until a couple years afterwards. Since then, I joined MeetUp groups for INFJ’s (actually the group is for anyone who has “NF” as the middle letters), but the meet places are over an hour away, and they are during times when I can’t go because they are on weekends or other times of the day when I am at home with wife and family.

I feel so lonely sometimes.

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