I Want to Understand Myself and My Motives Better

I’ve come to the realization that this whole “protagonist” thing, that my motives for it and my actions during it aren’t as moral as I had thought they were.

Against my own promises to myself I became entirely obsessed with having the power of a real protagonist, but payed less than enough attention to the gestures and actions that make someone “good”. I’ve actively tried to find the negative in others, I’ve acted selfishly as the result of efforts to convince myself that I deserve something, I’ve been an attention whore and at times, I’ve been plain obnoxious and tiring to be around.

I am so... SO sick and tired off getting on these “I’m gonna be this awesome guy” stretches, just to tire out, fall apart, and become something I’m trying to prevent. I wish I had the strength mentally to not lapse after a couple weeks, I want to be a fun and nice guy to be around, someone others look up to, and I want that all the time. When it isnt sustained it feels manufactured, even though I can feel my drive to be that person and I know it’s real.

I want REAL strength. Not just some temporary flexing to work through a tough spot, I WANT TO BE A STRONG PERSON EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE! AND I DON’T WANT TO THROW OTHERS UNDER THE BUS TO DO THAT, I WANT TO PUSH EVERYONE I MEET TO SUCCEED AND BE HAPPY!