Really what is it with this world and who are all of you here?
😒 i obviously need some sleep but lately i'm feeling so weird (again). I'm waking up in depression mode, walk to the sea, stare for an hour or two till the weight is lifted, i do some light exercises there, then i might visit my mother or sister with whom i really do not connect well, then i close myself in the house. Rarely i would meet with someone but still i won't consider them my friends, just company for a walk.
And it's not the covid, it's me. I've been through that in cycles over and over, over the years. I shout angrily at the objects in my house for not working properly. In the morning i thought, depression, sadness, is just another feeling amongst feelings and i even enjoyed it for a few moments.
I don't want to think in terms of "getting better" or, thoughts like "this is good" while "that is bad/wrong". It doesn't help me. What to say, a quick recovery perhaps. It just delays so much things.
I'll play the turtle again 🐢
But there are some cool things i do, like yesterday i sung to the crows, they were really listening, i can tell, because when i begun singing there was one and then five more came and i sung louder, adding to my song some voices that would resembles them. Also today i swam in the cold sea. Then i encountered a fire in a field(burning branches) and sat nearby for sometime. Other days i talk to random strangers. I enjoy coffee. Well there are a few good things in my darkness 🖤
But i find it so difficult to be around good and positive people. As if i feel some comparison and some judgement, as if they look at me thinking "the poor sick thing". I don't want that compassion, it's not feeling warm to me.
🐦
I thought that this sadness i carry is actually old, from my early youth, my childhood, even from previous generations. But then i thought that there are still things that sadden me. I just wish i wouldn't take things so heavy in my heart...🖤
And it's not the covid, it's me. I've been through that in cycles over and over, over the years. I shout angrily at the objects in my house for not working properly. In the morning i thought, depression, sadness, is just another feeling amongst feelings and i even enjoyed it for a few moments.
I don't want to think in terms of "getting better" or, thoughts like "this is good" while "that is bad/wrong". It doesn't help me. What to say, a quick recovery perhaps. It just delays so much things.
I'll play the turtle again 🐢
But there are some cool things i do, like yesterday i sung to the crows, they were really listening, i can tell, because when i begun singing there was one and then five more came and i sung louder, adding to my song some voices that would resembles them. Also today i swam in the cold sea. Then i encountered a fire in a field(burning branches) and sat nearby for sometime. Other days i talk to random strangers. I enjoy coffee. Well there are a few good things in my darkness 🖤
But i find it so difficult to be around good and positive people. As if i feel some comparison and some judgement, as if they look at me thinking "the poor sick thing". I don't want that compassion, it's not feeling warm to me.
🐦
I thought that this sadness i carry is actually old, from my early youth, my childhood, even from previous generations. But then i thought that there are still things that sadden me. I just wish i wouldn't take things so heavy in my heart...🖤
