Why is my brain filled with repetitive thoughts or scenarios that play over and over again?
[b]Warning! Long post, read at your own time[/b]
Is it a mental health issue that I’m unaware of?
I never had an x-ray or CAT scan on my brain nor did any tests to diagnose anything on me because I needed none of that since I’m fine. On the contrary,
I’ve been to the doctors as a kid to get some work done because I had an infection in my bladder. (UTI) in my urinary tract.
They told my parents probably I was anxious, shy, nervous, bored, and didn’t go out as much.
Instead of taking many vacations with my family, I only went during summer holiday (vacation/break) and winter holiday (vacation/break) sometimes spring holiday (vacation/break) and sometimes fall (autumn) holiday (vacation/break). It wasn’t during school when I went out, but when it was, it was okay to miss school/class but I haven’t been traveling to many places only to the ones that is hours away drive within the country/state. And it is strange because when I wasn’t on holiday (vacation/break), I would use the bathroom a lot during school days BEFORE Covid pandemic. It happened during my childhood years. I was very young. My parents took me to the doctors at the time because I would use the bathroom a lot and developed white / red spots on my arms. It was lack of hydration (water) and overwhelming amounts of sugar inside my body. I’m glucose intolerant for high sugar while (whilst) not being diabetic. I’m an average healthy person in some way. I had trouble making friends growing up. Sometimes I use the bathroom a lot during COVID pandemic usually at my home not in public places. I have repetitive thoughts. I overthink and use excessive details, over analyze certain details/pictures (overveiws) of something and frequently worry.
Edit: I would be a homebody (still am) and play video games or read books or draw something in my notebooks even write stories such as fiction, realisitc fiction, and nonfiction (started since 1st grade). All growing up even now.
Here are some of my mental thinkings:
- repetitive thoughts
These thoughts were commonly bad. They were saying negative things & I was thinking negatively most of the time. I thought people gave me the stink eye and hated me. I thought people weren’t supposed to talk about me. I thought I was being made fun of. I thought anyone I talk to or encounter would/will not like me as a person, friend, or something more.
Thoughts in my brain spiral out of control. They repeat themselves in simple word patterns or include themselves in sentences that don’t make any sense. Edit: The thoughts now are positive but are now obsessive. They attach themselves to words and sentences that do not even belong there. They would say I’m something I’m not. They would describe someone or something when they are not that.
They just jumble into sentences I’m saying when I’m saying one thing and not the other (or they can attach themselves to words and literally be this or that and then don’t make sense).
It’s a weird word attachment.
Edit: I used to be a stalker for my crushes back in elementary school/middle school. I would hide behind large objects and follow them to find out their school schedules (routine) and find more about them like their name, likes, dislikes, favorites, friends, birthday, class (student) number, school id number, what color jackets they wore, etc. I found that I was more interested on the details and basics such as numbers and colors and features. Sometimes I would look into their personal world, sometimes no.
- repetitive scenes
Sometimes I think about the past too much and rely on the scenes to make me feel certain moods.
Sometimes I dream about random things that are easy to remember for me. I dream very vividly that I can sometimes smell and taste what was in my dreams but mainly (mostly) see what happened in extreme detail in my dreams. They are so clear to me that I almost forget I am having a dream at night.
When I wake up, I immediately know it was a dream—my brain can differentiate dreams from reality , vise versa.
Is it some form of mental illness?
I had trouble paying attention in class when I was younger simply because I was ALWAYS curious. On grandparents day in Pre-Kindergarten, I observed ants on the teacher’s mat during reading time or circle
and my grandma was sitting next to me for some reason. I wasn’t paying attention to what my teacher was saying but she told me to. I tried. I forgot what else I did that day.
Edit: I believe it was Grandparents’ Day.
- Remembering things is hard for me
Some things are simply hard to remember for me. Yes, everyone has their moments, but I forget what happened yesterday due to me being focused on something else. It is like I have a one track mind. I have a linear thinking and go by order or time sequence. My mom would get mad at me during my kid years because I wasn’t ready to answer her when she asked me questions during the school day. It started in 5th grade when she asked me if I had been in the gymnasium waiting for my teacher to pick us up to his/her class or if I was with my classmates waiting outside his/her door to go inside his/her class. I forgot each day / time when that happened because I was so occupied that day, and my mom wanted to know what happened, but my brain completely blanked out. It was thinking about other things that happened. Of course, I used to remember what happened minutes or hours ago but I wouldn’t remember exactly what happened seconds ago now (not even a few hours or the day before). I’m used to be thinking in longer time periods or frequencies as in years later (even years ago). It has to be what happened years AGO for me to remember those things / events or else I would forget. I kind of deleted my past as in forget my memories by deleting pictures and photographs and audio files and starting fresh. I still have my childhood pictures including some of my teenhood pictures to look back on in picture books (photograph scraps, etc.) Still, I can remember my childhood shows I watched and people’s faces but sometimes forget names of either or.
- I’m sensitive
I cried a lot growing up. I was sensitive to sounds.
- Copycat
I mimiced other kids my age growing up. I wanted attention growing up and threw myself in stores to get stranger’s attention even though both my parents gave me attention & love & support & a roof over my head & food and water & took care of me. I wanted love, to feel loved. I wanted someone to play with. I was an only child. I had extended family such as cousins and childhood friends and friends from school some friends from public but even in presence of other people, I would feel not myself maybe feeling myself a bit.
There was a time I had an out-of-body experience by running around the kitchen when I was 8 years old - approximately that age. I felt human. I felt myself and felt freedom. I was able to do things. I was able to jump out of my own body but still felt my skin and felt free and ran around my parents’ kitchen and talked very loudly. I literally screamed for joy and the experience felt unreal like myself but very hard to explain.
There are times (NOW) than before where I feel numb. No emotion, no mood.
When I was younger, I felt that I was unwanted. During lunch time (cafeteria) during school Pre-Covid, I felt unwanted by being there in everyone’s presence.
I thought people didn’t want me to be there in the cafeteria. I wanted to leave and be by myself. I didn’t understand why everyone had a smile on their face or why people were laughing. I felt so numb, like nothing like nobody wanted to talk to me, nobody wanted to be near me, but that everyone was in their own social circle—their own friendship circle, their own group. They had their tables. They had their friends. They had their own friends sitting near them, their groups, their people, their friendship circles, and I wasn’t allowed to enter them without ever being told anything. I was able to sit at tables, not talking much to others. I just didn’t feel I belonged there.
Edit: I was scared of being alone yet wanting to be alone so badly because I wanted peace and silence. I felt like everyone would abandon me when I was younger and that no guy would like me because they obviously would go for someone else. They would literally replace me with another woman.
I used to frequently wash my hands.
I’m not a perfectionist nor have OCD.
Is it a brain tumor? What is eating my memories?
Or is this all overthinking?
[b] P.S. I’m not self-diagnosing myself. I’m average & healthy person. I’m not pretending to have a mental illness nor disability nor developmental issue. [/b]
Thank you for your time and patience and thank you for your response in advance.
Is it a mental health issue that I’m unaware of?
I never had an x-ray or CAT scan on my brain nor did any tests to diagnose anything on me because I needed none of that since I’m fine. On the contrary,
I’ve been to the doctors as a kid to get some work done because I had an infection in my bladder. (UTI) in my urinary tract.
They told my parents probably I was anxious, shy, nervous, bored, and didn’t go out as much.
Instead of taking many vacations with my family, I only went during summer holiday (vacation/break) and winter holiday (vacation/break) sometimes spring holiday (vacation/break) and sometimes fall (autumn) holiday (vacation/break). It wasn’t during school when I went out, but when it was, it was okay to miss school/class but I haven’t been traveling to many places only to the ones that is hours away drive within the country/state. And it is strange because when I wasn’t on holiday (vacation/break), I would use the bathroom a lot during school days BEFORE Covid pandemic. It happened during my childhood years. I was very young. My parents took me to the doctors at the time because I would use the bathroom a lot and developed white / red spots on my arms. It was lack of hydration (water) and overwhelming amounts of sugar inside my body. I’m glucose intolerant for high sugar while (whilst) not being diabetic. I’m an average healthy person in some way. I had trouble making friends growing up. Sometimes I use the bathroom a lot during COVID pandemic usually at my home not in public places. I have repetitive thoughts. I overthink and use excessive details, over analyze certain details/pictures (overveiws) of something and frequently worry.
Edit: I would be a homebody (still am) and play video games or read books or draw something in my notebooks even write stories such as fiction, realisitc fiction, and nonfiction (started since 1st grade). All growing up even now.
Here are some of my mental thinkings:
- repetitive thoughts
These thoughts were commonly bad. They were saying negative things & I was thinking negatively most of the time. I thought people gave me the stink eye and hated me. I thought people weren’t supposed to talk about me. I thought I was being made fun of. I thought anyone I talk to or encounter would/will not like me as a person, friend, or something more.
Thoughts in my brain spiral out of control. They repeat themselves in simple word patterns or include themselves in sentences that don’t make any sense. Edit: The thoughts now are positive but are now obsessive. They attach themselves to words and sentences that do not even belong there. They would say I’m something I’m not. They would describe someone or something when they are not that.
They just jumble into sentences I’m saying when I’m saying one thing and not the other (or they can attach themselves to words and literally be this or that and then don’t make sense).
It’s a weird word attachment.
Edit: I used to be a stalker for my crushes back in elementary school/middle school. I would hide behind large objects and follow them to find out their school schedules (routine) and find more about them like their name, likes, dislikes, favorites, friends, birthday, class (student) number, school id number, what color jackets they wore, etc. I found that I was more interested on the details and basics such as numbers and colors and features. Sometimes I would look into their personal world, sometimes no.
- repetitive scenes
Sometimes I think about the past too much and rely on the scenes to make me feel certain moods.
Sometimes I dream about random things that are easy to remember for me. I dream very vividly that I can sometimes smell and taste what was in my dreams but mainly (mostly) see what happened in extreme detail in my dreams. They are so clear to me that I almost forget I am having a dream at night.
When I wake up, I immediately know it was a dream—my brain can differentiate dreams from reality , vise versa.
Is it some form of mental illness?
I had trouble paying attention in class when I was younger simply because I was ALWAYS curious. On grandparents day in Pre-Kindergarten, I observed ants on the teacher’s mat during reading time or circle
and my grandma was sitting next to me for some reason. I wasn’t paying attention to what my teacher was saying but she told me to. I tried. I forgot what else I did that day.
Edit: I believe it was Grandparents’ Day.
- Remembering things is hard for me
Some things are simply hard to remember for me. Yes, everyone has their moments, but I forget what happened yesterday due to me being focused on something else. It is like I have a one track mind. I have a linear thinking and go by order or time sequence. My mom would get mad at me during my kid years because I wasn’t ready to answer her when she asked me questions during the school day. It started in 5th grade when she asked me if I had been in the gymnasium waiting for my teacher to pick us up to his/her class or if I was with my classmates waiting outside his/her door to go inside his/her class. I forgot each day / time when that happened because I was so occupied that day, and my mom wanted to know what happened, but my brain completely blanked out. It was thinking about other things that happened. Of course, I used to remember what happened minutes or hours ago but I wouldn’t remember exactly what happened seconds ago now (not even a few hours or the day before). I’m used to be thinking in longer time periods or frequencies as in years later (even years ago). It has to be what happened years AGO for me to remember those things / events or else I would forget. I kind of deleted my past as in forget my memories by deleting pictures and photographs and audio files and starting fresh. I still have my childhood pictures including some of my teenhood pictures to look back on in picture books (photograph scraps, etc.) Still, I can remember my childhood shows I watched and people’s faces but sometimes forget names of either or.
- I’m sensitive
I cried a lot growing up. I was sensitive to sounds.
- Copycat
I mimiced other kids my age growing up. I wanted attention growing up and threw myself in stores to get stranger’s attention even though both my parents gave me attention & love & support & a roof over my head & food and water & took care of me. I wanted love, to feel loved. I wanted someone to play with. I was an only child. I had extended family such as cousins and childhood friends and friends from school some friends from public but even in presence of other people, I would feel not myself maybe feeling myself a bit.
There was a time I had an out-of-body experience by running around the kitchen when I was 8 years old - approximately that age. I felt human. I felt myself and felt freedom. I was able to do things. I was able to jump out of my own body but still felt my skin and felt free and ran around my parents’ kitchen and talked very loudly. I literally screamed for joy and the experience felt unreal like myself but very hard to explain.
There are times (NOW) than before where I feel numb. No emotion, no mood.
When I was younger, I felt that I was unwanted. During lunch time (cafeteria) during school Pre-Covid, I felt unwanted by being there in everyone’s presence.
I thought people didn’t want me to be there in the cafeteria. I wanted to leave and be by myself. I didn’t understand why everyone had a smile on their face or why people were laughing. I felt so numb, like nothing like nobody wanted to talk to me, nobody wanted to be near me, but that everyone was in their own social circle—their own friendship circle, their own group. They had their tables. They had their friends. They had their own friends sitting near them, their groups, their people, their friendship circles, and I wasn’t allowed to enter them without ever being told anything. I was able to sit at tables, not talking much to others. I just didn’t feel I belonged there.
Edit: I was scared of being alone yet wanting to be alone so badly because I wanted peace and silence. I felt like everyone would abandon me when I was younger and that no guy would like me because they obviously would go for someone else. They would literally replace me with another woman.
I used to frequently wash my hands.
I’m not a perfectionist nor have OCD.
Is it a brain tumor? What is eating my memories?
Or is this all overthinking?
[b] P.S. I’m not self-diagnosing myself. I’m average & healthy person. I’m not pretending to have a mental illness nor disability nor developmental issue. [/b]
Thank you for your time and patience and thank you for your response in advance.