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I Have a Lot of Inner Hatred

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For a long time, I've recognized that the darkest, most destructive kinds of lies are the ones that mix 10% lie with 90% truth. The true parts make the lie utterly believable, and the part that's a lie twists it all up into utter darkness.

But what I've been realizing lately is that just because something is true, as far as it goes, doesn't mean that it's actually true - not if you leave out huge swaths of the story. Even if everything that you're saying is 100% true, it'll still be a distortion of reality, sometimes to the point of utter dementation.

Hatred makes you only see the dark parts of whatever the target of the hatred is. And even if those dark part's are legitimately true, you'd have to be a blind fool to think that they represent a true or complete picture of anything. I'd have to be a blind fool, to have spent so long thinking that what I see through the lens of my hatred represents a true or complete picture of anything. It doesn't. None of my insights about the world - no matter how deep or how accurate they are - represent anything but a distorted lie based on hatred.

It's funny, how something can be completely true and accurate, and yet also be a giant pile of bullshit.

And yet no story, no picture of the world, is ever really complete, is it? We see everything through a distorted lens - everything that we see is an illusion that covers up what reality actually is. Just because a story is incomplete doesn't automatically make it untrue - not unless you want to conclude that truth doesn't exist. There's a line that separates truth and untruth - that separates the truly distorted stories from the ones that are true enough to be true. And that line is largely subjective - each of us gets to decide where to put it, and what stories to put on each side of it.

I don't know where that line is for me, but I do know that the dark, incomplete stories that I have about myself, about the world, about the people around me, about... practically everyone and everything - I know that those stories lie on the lie side of the line - they're true as far as they go, but they're also a giant pile of bullshit, because they're distorted to the point of utter dementation by the oceans of hatred in my heart.
31-35, M
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Jun 18, 2017

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