Would you forgive her? Why or why not?
Many years ago, a childhood family friend came to visit me while I was living in Portland, Oregon. I was living in a house with my boyfriend. We had been living together about 2 years.
To make a too long horror story short, here is what my friend, helped by her husband whom she divorced a year later, did during what was the most painful summer of my life:
She, or more probably her cold hearted husband, killed our dog. We loved this dog, a stray we'd adopted, and we took it hard.
She began by arriving two months before she said she would. As a result, I was out of town when she arrived. That gave her a good opportunity to seduce my boyfriend into an affair so passionate he barely noticed me when I came home.
He had moved my things out of his room and up into the attic where I remained nights for quite a while.
The next thing: She pulled up my entire garden by the roots and killed it. I am an avid gardener and was taking a lot of pride in how well my garden was growing. If I gave you her arrogant excuse for doing this, you'd only think worse of her.
Next: I came home from work one day to find all of our cherished antique furniture gone. She said she'd sold it because, "It's ugly. And I need the room to practice my dancing." She was a dance instructor. She never offered to share any of the money from her sale of our furniture.
My boyfriend automatically took her side in all of this. Did I mention how slim and pretty she was?
Discussions with her only led to her insulting me in every way she knew would get to me.
At the end of that summer (1970) she and hubby left town and returned to the east coast. The night before they left, I took her to dinner at one of the better Chinese restaurants in Portland, Oregon. She threw a temper tantrum when one of the dishes contained carrots which she loudly insisted were "not authentically Chinese." (I later checked it out in an encyclopedia; she was correct; Carrots originally came from Afghanistan to China around 600 AD.) She was bratty and angry all evening. On the way home I told her our long time friendship (since early childhood) was on the way out unless she could find something kind or respectful to say to me before I dropped her at her house. It was a slow silent ride to where I dropped her off at her home.
I have not talked to her beyond "Hello" at family gatherings over the years. Both her mother and mine have blamed me for our dead friendship. She was one of the "chosen ones" in our parents' cultlike group while I always had much lower social status. (For the details, you can read my Featured story under my Profile here).
I have heard through my family grapevine that she has been very sad and regretful over our dead friendship. I have also heard something I have been pretty sure about for a long time now. And that is that she had little choice in her behavior but was ordered to do all these things by my mother. My mother had done her a very important favor many years earlier (had to do with Mom's CP cult group) and she owed my mother big-time. Plus she must've been greatly pressured by her own mother, a close friend and follower of my mother. Knowing what a terrifying and threatening person my mother was, and how powerful she was in the CP and in her own cult group, I could easily imagine the huge amount of pressure my childhood friend was under. In a way, she had little choice.
Now, as a Christian, I feel the subject of forgiveness is important to me. I am, after all, a follower of Jesus, who forgave his executioners even as they tortured him to death. And Who has forgiven me much as well and brought joy and peace to my heart.
But I wonder about a few things. Although I believe I am capable of forgiving her, perhaps even reviving our friendship, I know I could never trust her again. Not at all. Also, I am considered a much lower status person in our mutual family social world and I don't believe she would be capable of seeing me as an equal. For one thing, the CP doesn't believe in equality, but in elitism, and she is seen as more worthy than I am in all ways. This has been a problem from my point of view from day one and I believe if she comes back into my life, things will always be that way. Could I live with that?
Any answers you want to give will be appreciated. Thanks for reading all this.
To make a too long horror story short, here is what my friend, helped by her husband whom she divorced a year later, did during what was the most painful summer of my life:
She, or more probably her cold hearted husband, killed our dog. We loved this dog, a stray we'd adopted, and we took it hard.
She began by arriving two months before she said she would. As a result, I was out of town when she arrived. That gave her a good opportunity to seduce my boyfriend into an affair so passionate he barely noticed me when I came home.
He had moved my things out of his room and up into the attic where I remained nights for quite a while.
The next thing: She pulled up my entire garden by the roots and killed it. I am an avid gardener and was taking a lot of pride in how well my garden was growing. If I gave you her arrogant excuse for doing this, you'd only think worse of her.
Next: I came home from work one day to find all of our cherished antique furniture gone. She said she'd sold it because, "It's ugly. And I need the room to practice my dancing." She was a dance instructor. She never offered to share any of the money from her sale of our furniture.
My boyfriend automatically took her side in all of this. Did I mention how slim and pretty she was?
Discussions with her only led to her insulting me in every way she knew would get to me.
At the end of that summer (1970) she and hubby left town and returned to the east coast. The night before they left, I took her to dinner at one of the better Chinese restaurants in Portland, Oregon. She threw a temper tantrum when one of the dishes contained carrots which she loudly insisted were "not authentically Chinese." (I later checked it out in an encyclopedia; she was correct; Carrots originally came from Afghanistan to China around 600 AD.) She was bratty and angry all evening. On the way home I told her our long time friendship (since early childhood) was on the way out unless she could find something kind or respectful to say to me before I dropped her at her house. It was a slow silent ride to where I dropped her off at her home.
I have not talked to her beyond "Hello" at family gatherings over the years. Both her mother and mine have blamed me for our dead friendship. She was one of the "chosen ones" in our parents' cultlike group while I always had much lower social status. (For the details, you can read my Featured story under my Profile here).
I have heard through my family grapevine that she has been very sad and regretful over our dead friendship. I have also heard something I have been pretty sure about for a long time now. And that is that she had little choice in her behavior but was ordered to do all these things by my mother. My mother had done her a very important favor many years earlier (had to do with Mom's CP cult group) and she owed my mother big-time. Plus she must've been greatly pressured by her own mother, a close friend and follower of my mother. Knowing what a terrifying and threatening person my mother was, and how powerful she was in the CP and in her own cult group, I could easily imagine the huge amount of pressure my childhood friend was under. In a way, she had little choice.
Now, as a Christian, I feel the subject of forgiveness is important to me. I am, after all, a follower of Jesus, who forgave his executioners even as they tortured him to death. And Who has forgiven me much as well and brought joy and peace to my heart.
But I wonder about a few things. Although I believe I am capable of forgiving her, perhaps even reviving our friendship, I know I could never trust her again. Not at all. Also, I am considered a much lower status person in our mutual family social world and I don't believe she would be capable of seeing me as an equal. For one thing, the CP doesn't believe in equality, but in elitism, and she is seen as more worthy than I am in all ways. This has been a problem from my point of view from day one and I believe if she comes back into my life, things will always be that way. Could I live with that?
Any answers you want to give will be appreciated. Thanks for reading all this.
70-79, F
