Helping Others to Help Myself
Hey guys I'm back. For those of you who have read my posts, I'm sure there aren't many of you, namely because in an objective perspective they probably sound intensely pathetic. But this one will be different. Normally the only time I feel the need to write are in moments of intense emotional distress and occasional albeit fleeting moments of excitement when I just have to tell the world about what I have discovered. I have been doing some thinking, its an ongoing process for years now and I've decided to make another attempt to climb out of this rut. I think before what I've attempted was to simply leap out of the pit in a single bound only to dig myself deeper realizing that thought process was impossible. As you hear many many people say including me at this moment, baby steps. I know I tire of that saying too but perhaps if there is a method, that seems more sensible than Superman leaping out of the pit now doesn't it?
So here's my proposition. I am going to help others as a way of helping myself. In a sense yes it is meant to be selfish to some degree, I have been telling myself I need to be more selfish to prevent any more harm from others. Is this a healthy option? Maybe, maybe not. If you don't understand, let me expand upon that. What I mean by 'being more selfish' is that I feel that in many cases whatever it is I am doing or saying I tend to think of others first, about how what I am doing is going to affect them. Often when I do this, in hindsight there was no harm present whatsoever, so I caused myself to worry for nothing and ended up sacrificing something, however small, for nothing. But also because I see very few if anybody does the same in return. Day to day I see people coming and going about their lives with no regard to anyone elses livelihoods. They don't care whom they step on as long as they get to where they're going. I was raised differently than that, I have always thought to myself "I don't want to live in a world like that, I don't want to become that person" and yet here we are. I know probably what you're thinking, "if you don't do it then no one will", and I agree with that but at this point I'm not sure it matters. I'm already broken, I'm already torn and void of emotions. So should I risk collateral damage to make myself happier? It sounds intense but I don't image any harm I cause in my wake would be significant. More or less little inconveniences here and there.
So how do I intend to help other people? Well in various ways but preferably through speech. One thing I do feel I am skilled at is objective and critical thinking and being able to project those thoughts through writing not so much speech, as I am not quite so eloquent or precise through audible speech. I do recall various times where I have spoken to someone here or on experience project or even on the phone with a close friend and I was able to, at the very least, give them something new to think about, something they've never thought about.
Why am I choosing to help others as a means to help myself? Because I like people as a whole but unfortunately I hate individuals. Because people have created things that I absolutely love. People have created fictional stories I lose myself in, funny stories and anecdotes I cry laughing to, beautiful artwork that I hang on my walls to light up my home. And also because hope, hope that I will find something new that will challenge my mind and my own way of thinking, perhaps change it for the better, change it from this festering, grayish world I have created around myself. And for anyone willing to listen to what I have to say I will gladly give my insight if I can. I do not claim to be all wise and caring, I don't claim to professionally trained for this sort of thing but I do enjoy discussion and problem solving, whether that be mathematical or logic problems or emotional and mental instabilities.
On another note, if you have reached this far into my long winded speech, tell me what you think of this. In conjunction with this new escapade I am attempting, I thought of some other things I can attempt to quell this self induced trauma. I don't like to read much, its difficult to keep my attention for more than a few minutes at a time but what I do enjoy is listening. That includes music and comedy routines. I listen to either on my daily commutes to work, home and running errands because it allows me to escape reality even for just a moment and brings me brief periods of relief. I decided to download an app called audible and listen to audio books for self help but also real life stories possibly of other people and the trials and tribulations they have gone through and what they have done.
The other big one that I almost forgot about doesn't really appeal to anything other than just my sense of creativity and longing to escape reality. Story telling in a nutshell. I had an idea for a book that I absolutely adore and wish I could expand upon. But its difficult. I don't read much so I'm not sure how books should be written or if I even should be using other fictional books as guidelines. It's a fantasy book, sort of a cross between Supernatural and Gravity Falls with a bit of Stranger Things and the youtube series SCP foundation mixed in.
I also decided that its time to start working on re-inflating my ego so to speak, boosting my self esteem, make myself proud to be who I am again. Many times I've decided I am going back to the gym and weightlifting to retrain my body, get myself in shape again. I remember as a teenager when I weightlifted I had amazing results, I was so proud of what I had accomplished. It was the most amazing feeling, feeling so confident of your body, not afraid to take your shirt off and show off in front of the mirror or even just at the pool. You feel attractive, you feel like "how can anyone possibly resist this?" however I may put that off for now. Adhering to a weekly schedule like that so early and immediately is exhausting, feels like work almost and I'm not confident to show myself in public struggling to lift weights and build myself up again.
The other method I was thinking about was re-education. Teaching myself various forms of learning, in my case coding languages, that's the big one, since I was a computer science student in college and I want to re-enroll in that. Problem is I need a new computer that can handle the computation algorithms. My solution to that is simple but I would have to rely on my dad a fair bit to make that happen. I don't like asking for things for anyone, especially money, especially money from family despite there assurances that its perfectly okay and they want to help. Its something engraved in my mind to never ask for help. But if I did, I wouldn't allow him to pay for it entirely, just a portion so that I don't entirely bankrupt myself. Still got bills and rent to pay after all.
Some of the other things I would like to do is relearn Japanese when I took it in college. I loved the language and it was very fun but there just isn't that many speakers where I live, so what purpose would it serve? Who could I even practice on?
So here's my proposition. I am going to help others as a way of helping myself. In a sense yes it is meant to be selfish to some degree, I have been telling myself I need to be more selfish to prevent any more harm from others. Is this a healthy option? Maybe, maybe not. If you don't understand, let me expand upon that. What I mean by 'being more selfish' is that I feel that in many cases whatever it is I am doing or saying I tend to think of others first, about how what I am doing is going to affect them. Often when I do this, in hindsight there was no harm present whatsoever, so I caused myself to worry for nothing and ended up sacrificing something, however small, for nothing. But also because I see very few if anybody does the same in return. Day to day I see people coming and going about their lives with no regard to anyone elses livelihoods. They don't care whom they step on as long as they get to where they're going. I was raised differently than that, I have always thought to myself "I don't want to live in a world like that, I don't want to become that person" and yet here we are. I know probably what you're thinking, "if you don't do it then no one will", and I agree with that but at this point I'm not sure it matters. I'm already broken, I'm already torn and void of emotions. So should I risk collateral damage to make myself happier? It sounds intense but I don't image any harm I cause in my wake would be significant. More or less little inconveniences here and there.
So how do I intend to help other people? Well in various ways but preferably through speech. One thing I do feel I am skilled at is objective and critical thinking and being able to project those thoughts through writing not so much speech, as I am not quite so eloquent or precise through audible speech. I do recall various times where I have spoken to someone here or on experience project or even on the phone with a close friend and I was able to, at the very least, give them something new to think about, something they've never thought about.
Why am I choosing to help others as a means to help myself? Because I like people as a whole but unfortunately I hate individuals. Because people have created things that I absolutely love. People have created fictional stories I lose myself in, funny stories and anecdotes I cry laughing to, beautiful artwork that I hang on my walls to light up my home. And also because hope, hope that I will find something new that will challenge my mind and my own way of thinking, perhaps change it for the better, change it from this festering, grayish world I have created around myself. And for anyone willing to listen to what I have to say I will gladly give my insight if I can. I do not claim to be all wise and caring, I don't claim to professionally trained for this sort of thing but I do enjoy discussion and problem solving, whether that be mathematical or logic problems or emotional and mental instabilities.
On another note, if you have reached this far into my long winded speech, tell me what you think of this. In conjunction with this new escapade I am attempting, I thought of some other things I can attempt to quell this self induced trauma. I don't like to read much, its difficult to keep my attention for more than a few minutes at a time but what I do enjoy is listening. That includes music and comedy routines. I listen to either on my daily commutes to work, home and running errands because it allows me to escape reality even for just a moment and brings me brief periods of relief. I decided to download an app called audible and listen to audio books for self help but also real life stories possibly of other people and the trials and tribulations they have gone through and what they have done.
The other big one that I almost forgot about doesn't really appeal to anything other than just my sense of creativity and longing to escape reality. Story telling in a nutshell. I had an idea for a book that I absolutely adore and wish I could expand upon. But its difficult. I don't read much so I'm not sure how books should be written or if I even should be using other fictional books as guidelines. It's a fantasy book, sort of a cross between Supernatural and Gravity Falls with a bit of Stranger Things and the youtube series SCP foundation mixed in.
I also decided that its time to start working on re-inflating my ego so to speak, boosting my self esteem, make myself proud to be who I am again. Many times I've decided I am going back to the gym and weightlifting to retrain my body, get myself in shape again. I remember as a teenager when I weightlifted I had amazing results, I was so proud of what I had accomplished. It was the most amazing feeling, feeling so confident of your body, not afraid to take your shirt off and show off in front of the mirror or even just at the pool. You feel attractive, you feel like "how can anyone possibly resist this?" however I may put that off for now. Adhering to a weekly schedule like that so early and immediately is exhausting, feels like work almost and I'm not confident to show myself in public struggling to lift weights and build myself up again.
The other method I was thinking about was re-education. Teaching myself various forms of learning, in my case coding languages, that's the big one, since I was a computer science student in college and I want to re-enroll in that. Problem is I need a new computer that can handle the computation algorithms. My solution to that is simple but I would have to rely on my dad a fair bit to make that happen. I don't like asking for things for anyone, especially money, especially money from family despite there assurances that its perfectly okay and they want to help. Its something engraved in my mind to never ask for help. But if I did, I wouldn't allow him to pay for it entirely, just a portion so that I don't entirely bankrupt myself. Still got bills and rent to pay after all.
Some of the other things I would like to do is relearn Japanese when I took it in college. I loved the language and it was very fun but there just isn't that many speakers where I live, so what purpose would it serve? Who could I even practice on?
31-35, M
