I Am Guilty For a Lot of Reasons
if for instance, (not asking for a friend cos I don't really have any lol, at least not in real life) you have a team mate, in this group project that lasts almost a year, that's graded quite bigly. So this team mate doesn't really do much, the group project is mostly based on just cooking and such, nothing much, and she does the washing of the dishes. They don't really trust her to do anything right, not even weighing things properly, even tho she's done it before. Sooo, this team mate feels like she's not needed, sort of neglected and treated badly, they do say thanks and such to this team mate, relatively nice, but they don't really want to talk to her or anything.
I suppose if she talked more and had been more assertive, things might have gone better, but she's scared of people disliking her, especially since the first few times she did speak up for herself, people got angry at her, and never really wanted to listen to her point of view. so she kept quiet.
so..talking in third person is hard lol, well, I'm the team mate right, anddd let's just say she got tired, of feeling useless, worthless, and not needed. why should I be there if they didn't need me or wanted me?
I know it's hard to trust someone that hunches back all the time and is so meek but a little trust..would be nice..then again you can't trust someone that's not sure of herself. but if I stood my ground they'd get angry. I don't think I'd ever please them..at least I keep denying the fact that I could have been a better team mate, I could have stood my ground, know my things, help people when they needed it. I made myself the stupid human they believed I was. I believed I was. it's so frustrating, I hate thinking about this, it makes me vulnerable to the idea that I'm at fault, and when ur at fault you change. I changed to keep quiet, not speak to myself aloud so much. But that just made me feel so much lesser than I know I could be. everyone had their place, and my place was just to wash the dishes.
For the past few weeks I've completely cut off all contact with anyone from school. Two team mates of mine messaged me spacely from each other if I was alright, it was very nice and such, .. but I looked at these messages and i just couldn't respond, I can't. My teacher messaged me, I didn't bare to look at the message. My mentor messaged me to meet up last friday..or even last last friday? i don't even remember...I feel horrible, I feel even though Maybe I wasn't needed there, that I just completely shut them out without any reasoning or explanation, I can't just say I dropped out of school, I could have said a lie, but how many more I'm sicks reasoning can I give?
I feel so hopeless, and useless, and so toxic to my parents and my sister, this waste of space, I'm not here to seek sympathy really, I don't know what to do. I thought i did, but I don't. I'm living my life here, wasting it away all for what? to burden my parents...this is not the reality I should be living..I should not be causing my parents so much worry..and harming my sister so much...I wish I was a daughter that lived to the morals she believes...I'm sort of just ranting..I want to be happy, but life is complicated.
I suppose if she talked more and had been more assertive, things might have gone better, but she's scared of people disliking her, especially since the first few times she did speak up for herself, people got angry at her, and never really wanted to listen to her point of view. so she kept quiet.
so..talking in third person is hard lol, well, I'm the team mate right, anddd let's just say she got tired, of feeling useless, worthless, and not needed. why should I be there if they didn't need me or wanted me?
I know it's hard to trust someone that hunches back all the time and is so meek but a little trust..would be nice..then again you can't trust someone that's not sure of herself. but if I stood my ground they'd get angry. I don't think I'd ever please them..at least I keep denying the fact that I could have been a better team mate, I could have stood my ground, know my things, help people when they needed it. I made myself the stupid human they believed I was. I believed I was. it's so frustrating, I hate thinking about this, it makes me vulnerable to the idea that I'm at fault, and when ur at fault you change. I changed to keep quiet, not speak to myself aloud so much. But that just made me feel so much lesser than I know I could be. everyone had their place, and my place was just to wash the dishes.
For the past few weeks I've completely cut off all contact with anyone from school. Two team mates of mine messaged me spacely from each other if I was alright, it was very nice and such, .. but I looked at these messages and i just couldn't respond, I can't. My teacher messaged me, I didn't bare to look at the message. My mentor messaged me to meet up last friday..or even last last friday? i don't even remember...I feel horrible, I feel even though Maybe I wasn't needed there, that I just completely shut them out without any reasoning or explanation, I can't just say I dropped out of school, I could have said a lie, but how many more I'm sicks reasoning can I give?
I feel so hopeless, and useless, and so toxic to my parents and my sister, this waste of space, I'm not here to seek sympathy really, I don't know what to do. I thought i did, but I don't. I'm living my life here, wasting it away all for what? to burden my parents...this is not the reality I should be living..I should not be causing my parents so much worry..and harming my sister so much...I wish I was a daughter that lived to the morals she believes...I'm sort of just ranting..I want to be happy, but life is complicated.
26-30, F
