I Am Confused About My Relationship
I've been in a relationship with a great guy for a couple of months. Everything is going well, and still I'm going to drive myself crazy. I just need to share this, at least get it out of my head.
We met on a dating website, we talked online for a few weeks and then he asked me out on a real date. Things went well and we met a second time. At the moment I was also talking to another guy I met on the same website, with whom I thought I had a deeper connection. So on this second date I had fun, I liked this guy, but I didn't want anything to happen. I had the feeling he wanted to kiss me but I didn't and I think he sensed it and didn't attempt anything. We said goodbye and I thought he was disappointed and wouldn't talk to me again... but after a few days he did, and we kept seeing each other. Things kept evolving, while nothing else happened with the other guy I thought I had a connection with (and now I'm no longer talking to him). So now, a couple of months later, here we are, in a relationship where we talk every day, see each other regularly, have fun together and trust each other to talk about anything. It's all objectively fine, yet at times I feel this paralysing sadness that makes life unbearable as it clouds everything else.
I've never had a real good relationship with a man before. Over the years I've noticed a tendency I have of pushing away people who try to approach me. For one reason or another I've lost a few good friends whose friendship meant a lot to me, people I could and did trust with my worries and plans and dreams and that, one day, turned away and ended the friendship. Sometimes I didn't even know why, most times I didn't see it coming. I think this left me scarred and almost unable to trust anyone so, when I met someone new and I noticed that they were interested in knowing me, doing things with me, were kind and nice to me, etc... I got scared of having, again, something really good and lose it, so I shut down and pushed them away before they could hurt me. This happened with potential friends and potential boyfriends, and the result was that I only dated men that were not right for me, so I never had a good, meaningful relationship with any. For a long period I've lived in some kind of social isolation, I do enjoy being on my own and doing things by myself so it worked. But then at some point I started feeling like socialising again and, after investing some time and effort, I managed to open up and trust new people, and I made some new friends. Then I felt like meeting someone special, I joined the dating website, met this man and now, here we are.
At the beginning I wasn't worried because I wasn't pursuing him, I just had fun when we met and didn't think much of anything when we didn't. I didn't care if we didn't talk at all for a few days. But then I started caring more and more about him, and I think that old fear of losing him unexpectedly kicked in. It's not that I fear he will leave me. I'm aware this is a possibility, that if it happens it will hurt, but it's more than that. It's an irrational fear that one day he will simply disappear from my life without notice or an explanation. When I text him and he doesn't reply within 10 minutes, I get that irrational fear. I just got it again a few hours ago, when we arrived to my flat after spending the weekend together. I wasn't sure if he was gonna stay at my apartment tonight or not, he said no because he hadn't planned for it, he hadn't brought clothes for tomorrow, my flat is a lot further away from his job than his, he didn't have food prepared... all reasonable explanations. He left and not even 1 minute later I got this overwhelming sadness, I felt lonely and empty, about to cry.
I try to think of facts to calm me down, sometimes it works a little bit, most times it doesn't. Some facts I have:
- Last week he introduced me to his best friends, which I could tell was an important step for him (and for me).
- He has stayed over at my flat a few times and has left some personal belongings here (which proves he plans to come back).
- More than once he has talked about the future and included me in it, saying things like "my good friend from home is so funny, one day when you meet him you'll see" or, "when you come home and meet my mum, bla bla bla...", this proves he thinks I will be there in the long run.
- Last week on Friday we didn't plan to see each other, as I have a class that ends a bit late and he has to get up early Saturday morning. When I got out of my class he was there, he said he just wanted to say hi and walk me home. He did the same thing again last Friday. While I was in my class he sent me a message saying "I need to see you" and, when I got out, he was there. He wouldn't do that if he was planning to disappear...
I have these facts and more, they all proof he's really interested in me and doesn't plan to just leave. He has also told me that, to him, being truthful and direct about things is important, so if he were to leave me I really think he would tell me, not just disappear! It doesn't look like he wants to end things at all. So I wonder, why can't I shake this feeling I keep getting, that before I know it he will disappear and I'll be left feeling a void, that the last few months have been a farce, an illusion, something only I witnessed and have no proof of, so it's as if it had never happened at all?
Any advice is welcome. I just needed to put this out there.
We met on a dating website, we talked online for a few weeks and then he asked me out on a real date. Things went well and we met a second time. At the moment I was also talking to another guy I met on the same website, with whom I thought I had a deeper connection. So on this second date I had fun, I liked this guy, but I didn't want anything to happen. I had the feeling he wanted to kiss me but I didn't and I think he sensed it and didn't attempt anything. We said goodbye and I thought he was disappointed and wouldn't talk to me again... but after a few days he did, and we kept seeing each other. Things kept evolving, while nothing else happened with the other guy I thought I had a connection with (and now I'm no longer talking to him). So now, a couple of months later, here we are, in a relationship where we talk every day, see each other regularly, have fun together and trust each other to talk about anything. It's all objectively fine, yet at times I feel this paralysing sadness that makes life unbearable as it clouds everything else.
I've never had a real good relationship with a man before. Over the years I've noticed a tendency I have of pushing away people who try to approach me. For one reason or another I've lost a few good friends whose friendship meant a lot to me, people I could and did trust with my worries and plans and dreams and that, one day, turned away and ended the friendship. Sometimes I didn't even know why, most times I didn't see it coming. I think this left me scarred and almost unable to trust anyone so, when I met someone new and I noticed that they were interested in knowing me, doing things with me, were kind and nice to me, etc... I got scared of having, again, something really good and lose it, so I shut down and pushed them away before they could hurt me. This happened with potential friends and potential boyfriends, and the result was that I only dated men that were not right for me, so I never had a good, meaningful relationship with any. For a long period I've lived in some kind of social isolation, I do enjoy being on my own and doing things by myself so it worked. But then at some point I started feeling like socialising again and, after investing some time and effort, I managed to open up and trust new people, and I made some new friends. Then I felt like meeting someone special, I joined the dating website, met this man and now, here we are.
At the beginning I wasn't worried because I wasn't pursuing him, I just had fun when we met and didn't think much of anything when we didn't. I didn't care if we didn't talk at all for a few days. But then I started caring more and more about him, and I think that old fear of losing him unexpectedly kicked in. It's not that I fear he will leave me. I'm aware this is a possibility, that if it happens it will hurt, but it's more than that. It's an irrational fear that one day he will simply disappear from my life without notice or an explanation. When I text him and he doesn't reply within 10 minutes, I get that irrational fear. I just got it again a few hours ago, when we arrived to my flat after spending the weekend together. I wasn't sure if he was gonna stay at my apartment tonight or not, he said no because he hadn't planned for it, he hadn't brought clothes for tomorrow, my flat is a lot further away from his job than his, he didn't have food prepared... all reasonable explanations. He left and not even 1 minute later I got this overwhelming sadness, I felt lonely and empty, about to cry.
I try to think of facts to calm me down, sometimes it works a little bit, most times it doesn't. Some facts I have:
- Last week he introduced me to his best friends, which I could tell was an important step for him (and for me).
- He has stayed over at my flat a few times and has left some personal belongings here (which proves he plans to come back).
- More than once he has talked about the future and included me in it, saying things like "my good friend from home is so funny, one day when you meet him you'll see" or, "when you come home and meet my mum, bla bla bla...", this proves he thinks I will be there in the long run.
- Last week on Friday we didn't plan to see each other, as I have a class that ends a bit late and he has to get up early Saturday morning. When I got out of my class he was there, he said he just wanted to say hi and walk me home. He did the same thing again last Friday. While I was in my class he sent me a message saying "I need to see you" and, when I got out, he was there. He wouldn't do that if he was planning to disappear...
I have these facts and more, they all proof he's really interested in me and doesn't plan to just leave. He has also told me that, to him, being truthful and direct about things is important, so if he were to leave me I really think he would tell me, not just disappear! It doesn't look like he wants to end things at all. So I wonder, why can't I shake this feeling I keep getting, that before I know it he will disappear and I'll be left feeling a void, that the last few months have been a farce, an illusion, something only I witnessed and have no proof of, so it's as if it had never happened at all?
Any advice is welcome. I just needed to put this out there.
