I Want To Make Up For Lost Time

I spent most of my adolescence in a depression. I remember a time I felt suicidal at 14. I developed anxiety and I feel like I missed out on the fun and experiences that most adolsence had and it saddens me.

It was also a time where my mum became crippled and I had to look after her, it was saddening.

Right now I feel it's left me in place where I wish I had more fun in life. It's not that I'm not happy. I am usually cheerful and bubbly... I can make my fun, it's just I want more from life. More experiences but I feel trapped by my current emotional and financial situation too... I can't afford anything.

I feel like I have a lot of inner work to do to be truly a peace in my heart but I know I still suffer a lot inside.

I wish I had more of support system but I didn't develop that, I have over the years with some people, but it's very much faded because either they were mean or just moved on to a different stage in their life. it's not that it bothers me because I am quite introverted and enjoy solo time. Just I don't really have someone to fall back on. I try to make more connections but I just can't connect with anyone, mainly because sometimes I close off or I am specific about opening up but once knowing me people actually can see that I am a very nice person lol

I get scared of my future and that things will always be this way. I am actually happy where I am but not sure I want to be here forever. I don't really have any achievements to my name but a degree and that's pretty normal these days. I guess it's also fear of being judged in society because if I haven't achieved certain things by a certain time then I may be judged by people. Not that I should listen to people, I know that's all wrong but sometimes it does get through to you.

Anyway this is just vent