I Want Someone to Understand Me

I need you to understand a lot, but mostly I just want you to understand me. I want you to understand why I do the things I do, and why I don't do all the things I probably should. I want you to understand why I say somethings then start crying or can't say anymore. I wish you could understand how hard it is sometimes to be me, I am not complaining, or at least meaning to, it is just really hard sometimes to be me because I want to do some things, but can't because of my anxiety and fears and the past things I have been through. I need you to understand that yes my family treated or still treats me horribly, but that they are my family and I love them. I need you to understand that when I say sorry all the times, I actually am mostly saying sorry for my existence. I have such times of hating myself, yet I barely can start to hate others, even those who have harmed me in some way. I need you to understand that when I say I love you I am terrified by what it/you mean to me. I need you to understand that I am always struggling even when it seems like I am not, but that it doesn't mean I am not happy to be alive. I need you to understand me.

(Mostly just venting,but. . .
Thank you for reading :))