I Don't Want You to See Me Break Down
Joel texted me today.
"Do you work tonight?"
"Yeah, at 4. Why?"
Then the phone rang. It was an unknown number, so I didn't answer it.
Then it rang again.
I picked up. "Hello?"
"Hi," he said. I can tell that he is busy, I can hear phones ringing in the background, and a murmur of people talking.
"Sorry I didn't answer the first time. It came up as unknown."
He laughed, "Yeeah, I know how you are. That's why I called again."
I cleared my throat. This is awkward. "What's up?"
"I need your signature."
"Forrrrr?"
"A piece of paper."
"Whhyyyy?"
"To sublease the apartment."
"Why?"
"I can't keep driving to Indy everyday. And last month the electric bill was $203. I'm not going to keep paying that much money when I am never home."
"Oh. Yikes. Well, I can stop by before I go to work."
"Okay, I'm leaving the office early. I'll be home around 2:30."
"See ya then."
click.
This means I will have to see him, today. I am going there before work to sign the paper, get my mail, and probably discuss how and when I am going to have to get the rest of my stuff out and have him get his.
I don't miss us. I don't even miss HIM. It's not like we were even actually "together" the last year we lived together. We were just roommates, sleeping in the same bed.
I am just bothered, though. When I see him, I'm reminded that I'm lonely. And that I've wasted three years of my life. That I have to start from scratch all over again- which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just takes a lot of risk. A LOT.
I'm glad though, at the same time. I think this might be the final END of it all. I will get my bookshelves, and desk, and kitchenware...everything in that apartment is mine. The only thing he has is the bed and television. We will both pack up, and then he will move to Indy. I won't have to hear from him, or see him. I won't have to see the mutual friends of ours that were ripped away from me by the break up. I won't have to avoid the road we lived on.
The feelings aren't sadness. It's anger, loss, betrayal, and a very strong dislike. It pisses me off that he is moving on with his life. His new job. His new car. His new life. But, I guess in a lot of ways, I'm moving on, too.
I don't cry for him. I cry for all that I lost in our relationship.
The times he made me feel worthless.
The nights that he wouldn't touch me.
The words that were never exchanged, but should have been.
The times when he never understood me.
The days that I came home from a terrible day at work, and he wouldn't put the xbox controller down.
The nights he never held me when my dad made me cry.
The times when someone would corner me, he never had my back.
The evenings we went out for dinner and he didn't put his phone down.
The whole relationship where I was on a whole different level than he was.
As soon as I go sign those papers, grab my mail, and not make eye contact.
It will all be over now.
"Do you work tonight?"
"Yeah, at 4. Why?"
Then the phone rang. It was an unknown number, so I didn't answer it.
Then it rang again.
I picked up. "Hello?"
"Hi," he said. I can tell that he is busy, I can hear phones ringing in the background, and a murmur of people talking.
"Sorry I didn't answer the first time. It came up as unknown."
He laughed, "Yeeah, I know how you are. That's why I called again."
I cleared my throat. This is awkward. "What's up?"
"I need your signature."
"Forrrrr?"
"A piece of paper."
"Whhyyyy?"
"To sublease the apartment."
"Why?"
"I can't keep driving to Indy everyday. And last month the electric bill was $203. I'm not going to keep paying that much money when I am never home."
"Oh. Yikes. Well, I can stop by before I go to work."
"Okay, I'm leaving the office early. I'll be home around 2:30."
"See ya then."
click.
This means I will have to see him, today. I am going there before work to sign the paper, get my mail, and probably discuss how and when I am going to have to get the rest of my stuff out and have him get his.
I don't miss us. I don't even miss HIM. It's not like we were even actually "together" the last year we lived together. We were just roommates, sleeping in the same bed.
I am just bothered, though. When I see him, I'm reminded that I'm lonely. And that I've wasted three years of my life. That I have to start from scratch all over again- which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just takes a lot of risk. A LOT.
I'm glad though, at the same time. I think this might be the final END of it all. I will get my bookshelves, and desk, and kitchenware...everything in that apartment is mine. The only thing he has is the bed and television. We will both pack up, and then he will move to Indy. I won't have to hear from him, or see him. I won't have to see the mutual friends of ours that were ripped away from me by the break up. I won't have to avoid the road we lived on.
The feelings aren't sadness. It's anger, loss, betrayal, and a very strong dislike. It pisses me off that he is moving on with his life. His new job. His new car. His new life. But, I guess in a lot of ways, I'm moving on, too.
I don't cry for him. I cry for all that I lost in our relationship.
The times he made me feel worthless.
The nights that he wouldn't touch me.
The words that were never exchanged, but should have been.
The times when he never understood me.
The days that I came home from a terrible day at work, and he wouldn't put the xbox controller down.
The nights he never held me when my dad made me cry.
The times when someone would corner me, he never had my back.
The evenings we went out for dinner and he didn't put his phone down.
The whole relationship where I was on a whole different level than he was.
As soon as I go sign those papers, grab my mail, and not make eye contact.
It will all be over now.
31-35, F
