I Feel Like My World Is Falling Apart
In front of my eyes.
I used to take responsibility for the feelings of others. I thought I did. Actually, I wasn't qualified, and made no assertions that I was some guru or whatever, I just followed my heart into other people's dark places, and found ways out for them. Actually, I couldn't have just walked away from any of those cases, and I never did. Maybe that actually was responsibility.
But in no other aspect of my life have I ever taken responsibility.
Little things like driving - I used to drive at speed limit + 10% - 1mph, because I couldn't cope with driving with "the plebs" at the speed limit. Their speeds always varied far too much and they got themselves into such pickles by not forward planning to go around lorries etc. Now everyone drives faster or slower than me still, but an awful lot drive a lot faster. Did national speed limit become 80 while I was gone?
Internet - not working for me in any house I go to stay at for more than a couple of days.
Buses - failing by having 1 random bus each day take a differenet route than all the rest.
Counselling - can't get paid, not qualified and no money to get qualified.
Rent - not paying, no job. Staying with family.
Programming - not skilled enough to do a good job yet.
Web design - same.
Physics - forgotten/never learnt.
Product design - never trained, did a bit but... not hirable.
Retail - was a long time ago, and now I'm overqualified with an MSc.
Now I'm faced with a choice: teach for money, or learn databa<x>ses from a bit of a geek/pro volunteering for nothing. Teaching for money gives no gain long-term except it reduces the stress on our relationship and pays for our wedding and car bills.
I just feel like a nobody right now. Nothing I can do can make me money. I've tried. I tried programming, but it's taking _long_. I've made a website, but it looks basic. Nobody would pay much for a site like that... I should just spread adverts around for freelance Excel skills. That's how I got my garden mowing job back at school. It worked then, why not now?
But it won't work in a different country. I can't work there, not legally. I guess I could... But if the wrong person saw the advert... I'd be out like a shot.
I don't know what to do, I don't feel like I have much support many people know the situation I'm in but nobody has anything to add than what my overanalytical brain has already ascertained.
A kind word or a hug would do.
I just feel broken by it all. Cracked, fragmented, pieces falling off. Help me.
x
I used to take responsibility for the feelings of others. I thought I did. Actually, I wasn't qualified, and made no assertions that I was some guru or whatever, I just followed my heart into other people's dark places, and found ways out for them. Actually, I couldn't have just walked away from any of those cases, and I never did. Maybe that actually was responsibility.
But in no other aspect of my life have I ever taken responsibility.
Little things like driving - I used to drive at speed limit + 10% - 1mph, because I couldn't cope with driving with "the plebs" at the speed limit. Their speeds always varied far too much and they got themselves into such pickles by not forward planning to go around lorries etc. Now everyone drives faster or slower than me still, but an awful lot drive a lot faster. Did national speed limit become 80 while I was gone?
Internet - not working for me in any house I go to stay at for more than a couple of days.
Buses - failing by having 1 random bus each day take a differenet route than all the rest.
Counselling - can't get paid, not qualified and no money to get qualified.
Rent - not paying, no job. Staying with family.
Programming - not skilled enough to do a good job yet.
Web design - same.
Physics - forgotten/never learnt.
Product design - never trained, did a bit but... not hirable.
Retail - was a long time ago, and now I'm overqualified with an MSc.
Now I'm faced with a choice: teach for money, or learn databa<x>ses from a bit of a geek/pro volunteering for nothing. Teaching for money gives no gain long-term except it reduces the stress on our relationship and pays for our wedding and car bills.
I just feel like a nobody right now. Nothing I can do can make me money. I've tried. I tried programming, but it's taking _long_. I've made a website, but it looks basic. Nobody would pay much for a site like that... I should just spread adverts around for freelance Excel skills. That's how I got my garden mowing job back at school. It worked then, why not now?
But it won't work in a different country. I can't work there, not legally. I guess I could... But if the wrong person saw the advert... I'd be out like a shot.
I don't know what to do, I don't feel like I have much support many people know the situation I'm in but nobody has anything to add than what my overanalytical brain has already ascertained.
A kind word or a hug would do.
I just feel broken by it all. Cracked, fragmented, pieces falling off. Help me.
x
36-40, M
