I Am Mad At God

I believe in the God of the Bible, but I won't call myself a Christian. I can't shake the feeling that God exists no matter how hard I try. I grew up with parents that always faught, my mother would scream at the top of her lungs at me for a couple hours because I did something she didn't like, my dad would occasionally get her focused on him instead of me. I never was allowed to date, I couldn't tell anyone what was really going on, and school only became worse as I got older. no one I know knows my true story and the whole story, and all everyone knows about me is what I told them about. No one I know in person really understands what hell I went through, and all of my high school friends (at college now) can't know the real me or every time I see my mom, I will have her scream at me for hours on end. I don't know anyone who can actually keep a secret or anyone that truly cares about me. I need some girl who will cuddle with me a lot, always talk to me, and always want to see me. I am one of those people who needs physical affection (not sex) to feel loved. I didn't get any hugs growing up, and especially no one to cuddle with me and hold me. As much as I want to say I want hugs and cuddles, I think it is more truthful to say that I need them. My past is my past, it is what it is, and I will keep going on like always. I don't hurt people, and I'm not going to hurt myself, I just really wish that God would let me feel loved for once in my life.