I Am Weak

today I realized how weak I was. My doggy was old and couldn't even stand. My dad wanted me to come to the vet with him. They had decided to put her to sleep. I was wreaked, felt so helpless that I didnt know what to do. I screamed at my dad - I know it was not his fault. I was running up and down but somehow during this entire event I couldnt get myself to step out of the house.

Even worse I wanted to touch my doggy who has been with me for 14 years, I wanted to hold her near me. I was scared for some reason. I couldnt even look at her. I saw a glimpse of her face as my dad took her away.

That was the last I saw of her, she looked right into my eyes.

It was like she was asking me why I was this helpless. I wanted to hold her but instead went back into my room and locked myself in it.

I was scared and hopeless. I realized I was so weak, that I didnt have the courage to say good bye. I just sat and cried. I couldnt bear taking her in my arms to put her to sleep. I dont know if I will ever recover from this. I loved her and didnt see this coming. I tried to prepare myself for this event,but was never really prepared.

Today all that is left at the end of the day is my memories with her and the posts I left on similarwords.

If there is god, I pray that he keeps her close to him and gives her all the love he has to offer. I hope she forgives me for being this weak.

Only wish I had the courage to give her the last tight hug and a kiss. I miss her.

anew24 · 41-45, F

I'm so sorry for your loss & can empathize with added pain from feeling guilty of failing such a loving and devoted friend when they pass. My 13 yr old dog wondered off in my neighborhood one evening & when he didn't return by the next morning, I put up flyers. Unfortunately the man that called to tell me he & his wife took him in for the night, followed telling me that he had passed during the night. I wasn't even there for him. Three months later, I had to put my 14 yr old dog to sleep. I was heart broken, but so thankful to be there in the end. What helps me with the guilt some is knowing that dogs often go off to die, and some would if they could most likely. You allowed you friend peace from suffering, and that alone takes a lot of strength.