I Like To Think About Life And Big Questions

Have you ever heard of existential depression? “Existential depression arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence.” “Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or ‘ultimate concerns’) – death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.” When I started reading into this I felt like I was opening the door to something new but also familiar. I have had deep thoughts since I was a child that brought me great distress, even panic attacks, which made my family think I was crazy.

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" (Kris Kristofferson). This was part of a song on the Pearl album by Janis Joplin. But to me, it is another thought to the question 'What is freedom?'. Are we really free? I think about a scale and how you can cause it to shift left or right or keep it centered/balanced. We weigh the pros and cons of decisions quite frequently in life. That's freedom of choice isn't it? Or is freedom more about less government interference? Then there are consequences to consider as well. If somebody holds a gun to your head and tells you to do something, by choosing to live and obeying their demand, are you free in choosing life over death? You could choose to not obey and die in the process. "Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create."

“Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone."

Thinking about Yalom's issue of death will cause you to ponder meaninglessness at the same time, or will at least lead you into it. I've wondered why we bother to do the things we do if we just die anyway. A response I came back with was that we want to live. I tried to kill myself when I was 16 and regretted it. Obviously something ties me to this world and it is something inside me. I just don't know what it is. So I go round and round on this thought. I feel the need to be productive, to do things that others find useful. I like to play Minecraft sometimes but start to feel like I am not being productive and get depressed; it feels meaningless. My therapist asked me "Do you enjoy it?" and I replied yes. He said that's productive in and of itself.

“Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?"

Gifted, Sensitive, In Need Of Meaning: Existential Depression Douglas Eby.