I'm Scared

You broke up with him only to get back together the next day. That night we stayed up all night talking. "If only someone would confess their love for me to make me feel better," you said. I didn't. I do love you, more than anything in this world, but at this point I think I'm at a cross roads, I have been, I guess. I've written this same thing on this same site so many times. The only thing I've come to know is that I know nothing. I want you to be with me, for the rest of my life, even if you're just my best friend. It would hurt, but I could do it so you could be by my side and we could adventure. If I could hope to put some sort of subjective meaning into my life, you're it. I'm scared of the part that comes next. We aren't kids anymore and the time to make real decisions is barreling towards us, the optimal option is to freeze time, when you're in my arms, just to freeze time. Not let reality complicate anything. You're not mine, but to freeze time with you in my arms that could be enough for me. Those bright, beautiful eyes, those lips curling into a smile. That would be enough.

And then I circle back. It's not fair of me to ask you for that. Every time I hold you, I know it could be the last time. You have your own life, your own heart and brain, both filled with as many desires and contradictions as mine. You chose him over me. Can we just keep ignoring the reality of the situation, suspended in some dream?

If we shadows have offended,
think but this and all is mended 

That we have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.

And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream

How long until we wake up? When will I lose you? I can make that decision definitively now, but every time I try I imagine you in my arms just one last time. In spite of all the confusion, it always feels like that could be enough, to hold you once more. Then I imagine you gone. What then? I don't know.