I Want To Stuff My Face With Fatting Food Until I Explode

I need a tease. Let's say that I have decided to try and lose weight but no matter what I do I just seem to gain weight. I watch what I eat and even take on light exercises, but I am somehow getting bigger.
Please feel free to tell me that no matter what I do, I will always be fat. Feel free to convey to me that as life goes on, I am just going to get fatter and fatter. Let me know that I am doomed to get fatter and fatter forever, even going so far as to a fictional ending of becoming so fat that I explode. So what do you say?
I am already looking at myself in the mirror and wondering what is happening...