I am not sure.

I decided to reconsider my previous stance on dating someone. I called him back and things went better than I had expected. We were already friends before but us together in a new way feels right.

Last night one thing lead to another and something happened. I had not been touched in that way in a very long time. My brain and heart says it was right but another part wants me to pull away. I am not a very intimate person. I never have been. Knowing this I am not sure why I went as far as I did. Perhaps a part of me wants to destroy all happiness. Maybe I don't allow myself any joy in life. I have no idea what my issue is.