I Am Emotionally Unstable
I've always had strange or extreme reactions to things, mainly adversity. When I feel trapped or as if my back is against a wall I either lash out or threaten suicide. The feelings can be quite strong and I have caught myself wild eyed having intense inner battles as to whether or not to go drink drano.
If I feel attacked in anyway 9/10 times I will freak out and fight back. I seem to be naturally highly defensive by nature. I do not care if I say unkind things at that point. I tend to dig and dig and dig until I strike an artery. Yes, I tend to low blow. I have always been this way it's nothing new.
I can burst out laughing at nothing. Out of nowhere laughter. All alone, laughter. There are times where I feel a strong presence of sorrow and hopelessness. It doesn't take much to irritate me.
So help the world if I ever get lost or turned around someplace. The worst is when I drive. I lose my mind. I lost my mind driving to work about a year ago. I was not all familiar with the roads surrounding my place of work as I was newer to the area then. My usual route was blocked off by flares and police officers. I couldn't figure out how to get around. I kept going in a loop only to arrive at the closed off road again and again. I was going to be late and I cannot stand being late as I am a very punctual person. If one thing goes wrong in my routine I get huffy. I ended up getting so worked up I drove erratically. Yes, I sometimes drive erratically when I am lost and upset. Mumblings of self hatred, feelings of intense hopelessness and suicide creeping up on me I had parked in a nearby Denny's parking lot to try to calm down. I thought about walking the rest of the way and leaving my car there. I got out of my car, slammed the door viciously and began to walk. I didn't get far as I realized I did not trust my car there for hours unattended. I head back still freaking out except what I felt internally was now projecting outwards. Unfortunately there were a couple of people in the parking lot when I had arrived and they got to witness myself screaming and yelling about being angry the road is blocked off. F this and F that. More growling, pacing and I got back into my car and tried to figure things out again via GPS. I had finally moved past the blinders that come on me when I get into this mental state and began to think rationally. I was late and my day was ruined for the first half of my shift.
This is not the first time I had lost my mind for being lost in a parking lot and it will not be my last.
If I am out somewhere and I even hear the faintest of giggles or see the faintest of smiles in my direction I assume I am being made fun of and get angry. I have been known to glare at people. If I am dead certain I am being made fun of I automatically feel hate for that person and can visualize myself beating them up. Strangulation, kicking, punching, anything and everything to make them stop I can envision it.
I just am a creature of habit and routine. If someone sits in my usual spot I feel uneasy and upset. If I don't leave the house at the same time every morning for work I get upset and automatically assume I will be late and will try to overcompensate for it. Just very creature of habit. I've always been that way.
If I feel attacked in anyway 9/10 times I will freak out and fight back. I seem to be naturally highly defensive by nature. I do not care if I say unkind things at that point. I tend to dig and dig and dig until I strike an artery. Yes, I tend to low blow. I have always been this way it's nothing new.
I can burst out laughing at nothing. Out of nowhere laughter. All alone, laughter. There are times where I feel a strong presence of sorrow and hopelessness. It doesn't take much to irritate me.
So help the world if I ever get lost or turned around someplace. The worst is when I drive. I lose my mind. I lost my mind driving to work about a year ago. I was not all familiar with the roads surrounding my place of work as I was newer to the area then. My usual route was blocked off by flares and police officers. I couldn't figure out how to get around. I kept going in a loop only to arrive at the closed off road again and again. I was going to be late and I cannot stand being late as I am a very punctual person. If one thing goes wrong in my routine I get huffy. I ended up getting so worked up I drove erratically. Yes, I sometimes drive erratically when I am lost and upset. Mumblings of self hatred, feelings of intense hopelessness and suicide creeping up on me I had parked in a nearby Denny's parking lot to try to calm down. I thought about walking the rest of the way and leaving my car there. I got out of my car, slammed the door viciously and began to walk. I didn't get far as I realized I did not trust my car there for hours unattended. I head back still freaking out except what I felt internally was now projecting outwards. Unfortunately there were a couple of people in the parking lot when I had arrived and they got to witness myself screaming and yelling about being angry the road is blocked off. F this and F that. More growling, pacing and I got back into my car and tried to figure things out again via GPS. I had finally moved past the blinders that come on me when I get into this mental state and began to think rationally. I was late and my day was ruined for the first half of my shift.
This is not the first time I had lost my mind for being lost in a parking lot and it will not be my last.
If I am out somewhere and I even hear the faintest of giggles or see the faintest of smiles in my direction I assume I am being made fun of and get angry. I have been known to glare at people. If I am dead certain I am being made fun of I automatically feel hate for that person and can visualize myself beating them up. Strangulation, kicking, punching, anything and everything to make them stop I can envision it.
I just am a creature of habit and routine. If someone sits in my usual spot I feel uneasy and upset. If I don't leave the house at the same time every morning for work I get upset and automatically assume I will be late and will try to overcompensate for it. Just very creature of habit. I've always been that way.
36-40, M
